


several people are typing...

by luftballons99



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Everybody Hates Mustang, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, M/M, Memes, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Lan Fan, Protective Siblings, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Sibling Bonding, Teen Angst, Texting, Trans Edward Elric, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Mei Chang, Underage Drinking, anyway lets stick these losers in a discord chat, but its brief don't worry, groupchat fic, just a bunch of gay teens figuring themselves out, no one is straight just warning you, not sure about some of the endgame ships yet im making shit up as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-03-29 00:32:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13915566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luftballons99/pseuds/luftballons99
Summary: ling yaoi:Howdoyou feel right now?bite my shiny metal arm:Confused. Shitty. Like a teenager, basically, but not in the fun Hollywood way.ling yaoi:Don't we all





	1. here it goes again

**Author's Note:**

> Ed: bite my shiny metal arm  
> Al: Neko Al-tsume  
> Winry: all i do is win  
> Ling: ling yaoi  
> Lan Fan: ninja clan here we stand  
> Paninya: you know, nya
> 
> chapter title from "here it goes again" by ok go

**Ron Mercedes Hate Group** ( #shenanigan. just one.)

  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hey guys quick question nbd but

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Who the FUCK put milk in my thermos

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I TOOK A SIP DURING CLASS JUST NOW AND DID A SPIT TAKE ALL OVER MY DESK

**bite my shiny metal arm:** MUSTANG STOPPED MID-SENTENCE TO SNICKER AT ME

**bite my shiny metal arm:** AND KEEPS MAKING SHITTY PUNS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT SHITTY SMUG LOOK ON HIS FACE

**bite my shiny metal arm:** “Don’t have a _cow_ , Mr. Elric.”

**bite my shiny metal arm:** “No use crying over spilled _milk_ , Mr. Elric.”

**bite my shiny metal arm:** WHO THE FUCK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I want NAMES GOD DAMMIT

 

**you know, nya:** hUNJRKN MUSTANG IS SO SAVAGE

**you know, nya:** anyway wish i could take credit but it wasnt me bro

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Please, whoever did it, come forward

**Neko Al-tsume:** So I can shake your hand

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF LOYALTY??

**bite my shiny metal arm:** OF ANY SOLIDARITY, AL??

 

**all i do is win:** You know Ed whoever it was, they probably did you some good

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Is that a confession, Minister of Milk Propaganda??

 

**all i do is win:** It’s an acknowledgement of the fact that you’re gonna stay 5’5 for the rest of your life if you don’t swallow your pride and swallow some milk now and then

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You have

**bite my shiny metal arm:** TWO inches on me, Rockbell

**bite my shiny metal arm:** TWO!!

 

**all i do is win:** YEAH, YOU WANNA KNOW HOW??

**all i do is win:** I DRINK MY MILK MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S HOW

 

**you know, nya:** you should listen to her ed

**you know, nya:** she could kick your ass

**you know, nya:** because of her strong bones

**you know, nya:** because of the milk

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hey Paninya?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Fuck you.

 

**you know, nya:** ok rude after everything ive done for you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You stole my iPod in 8th grade.

 

**you know, nya:** yeah, it was full of avril lavine and evanescence songs

**you know, nya:** levine?

**you know, nya:** hold on theres a g in there somewhere

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Lasagna

 

**you know, nya:** there it is

**you know, nya:** anyway ed i fucking did you a favor

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I hate all of you????

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Whoever did this, pick a god and pray.

 

**ling yaoi:** @Neko Al-tsume No need to feign ignorance, my fellow co-conspirator.

**ling yaoi:** Did you get a video like I requested?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Wait

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** That depends

**Neko Al-tsume:** Did you get me a bottle of apple juice from the vending machine like _I_ requested?

 

**ling yaoi:** But of course!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** WAIT.

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Then yes, yes I did.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Alphonse.

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You. Fucking. TRAITOR.

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Sorry, brother, my loyalties lie with whoever offers me apple-based snacks.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Whatever happened to “blood is thicker than water,” huh??

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Or I guess fucking APPLE JUICE

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Since your older brother’s integrity apparently means less to you than A FUCKING BEVERAGE

 

**ling yaoi:** Actually, the saying goes “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

**ling yaoi:** Which means Alphonse and I, having stricken a deal, have a much more meaningful bond than simple familial ties.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I could strangle you.

 

**ling yaoi:** If you got yourself a step ladder, maybe!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** DIE

 

**ling yaoi:** (´；ω；`)

  


* * *

  


**Direct Message** (  @ninja clan here we stand  )

  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yo Lan Fan you online?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re always on invisible mode so I can never tell

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** i’m here

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh cool cool

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Right so I have a favor to ask you

 

**ninja clan here we stand:**?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I need you to help me pull a prank on Ling

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Lan?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh for fuck’s sake

  


* * *

  


**Direct Message** (  @all i do is win  )

  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hey winery

**bite my shiny metal arm:** *WINRY

**bite my shiny metal arm:** If autocorrect makes that mistake ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME

 

**all i do is win:** What Ed?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Help me pull a prank on Ling.

 

**all i do is win:** Oh no, I’m not opening that can of worms

**all i do is win:** I like not having to sleep with one eye open because I’m caught in the middle of some juvenile prank war

**all i do is win:** Ask Paninya

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ugh. Fine.

  


* * *

**Direct Message** (  @you know, nya  )

  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Paninya help me pull a prank on Ling

 

**you know, nya:** well well well well well well well

**you know, nya:** chinhands gently

**you know, nya:** what’s in it for ol’ paninya?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What’s in it for you is I don’t punch you in the throat

 

**you know, nya:** OK YOU KNOW

**you know, nya:** MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN’T PRANK YOU SO MUCH IF YOU WERE SLIGHTLY LESS OF A DICK

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** IT’S NOT PEOPLE, IT’S JUST LING

**bite my shiny metal arm:** AND ALPHONSE I GUESS

**bite my shiny metal arm:** AND MAYBE I WOULDN’T BE SUCH A DICK IF PEOPLE DIDN’T TRY TO POISON ME WITH MILK

 

**you know, nya:** SO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU’RE A DICK

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** FUCK YOU FUCK THIS I’M LEAVING

  


* * *

**Direct Message** (  @all i do is win  )

  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** SO WHAT’S UP?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oops

**bite my shiny metal arm:** *So what’s up?

 

**all i do is win:** Not much. Sitting in woodshop listening to Mr. Flint explain how a mitre saw works

**all i do is win:** Little does he know I once Built one

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** HA

**bite my shiny metal arm:** He’d lay a fucking egg if you told him that

 

**all i do is win:** He’d pee his pants and die

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** His dick would burst into flames

 

**all i do is win:** All the wood would catch on fire, then the whole building

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hey, we’d get a day off and I wouldn’t have to listen to Mustang be all smarmy and asshole-ish

 

**all i do is win:** Or we could die in a fiery wreck of ash and rubble

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Worth the risk

 

**all i do is win:** Oops okay I actually have to use my hands now

**all i do is win:** I’ll see you at lunch?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Sure thing, Win

 

**all i do is win:** Cool ^^

  


* * *

 

**Direct Message** (  @bite my shiny metal arm  )

  


**ling yaoi:** Edward, Edward, Edward

**ling yaoi:** Lan Fan tells me _everything_ , you should’ve known better than to ask her

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Just shut up, Ling

 

**ling yaoi:** What’s wrong?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** My mouth still tastes like milk, that’s what

 

**ling yaoi:** No I mean

**ling yaoi:** I feel like there’s more to it. Am I wrong?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yes

**bite my shiny metal arm:** No

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Fuck

 

**ling yaoi:** Pranks aside, you know I’m here for you, right?

**ling yaoi:** I’m not apologizing for the milk thing, since it was hilarious and also payback for when you put my calculator in jello last week

**ling yaoi:** But if there’s something else, I’m here for you.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Thanks

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I know

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s just. Look, it’s not you, it's me

 

**ling yaoi:** Are you breaking up with me again? I didn’t realize we’d gotten back together.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** That’s not what I meant you jackass.

 

**ling yaoi:** I know. Sorry.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I just meant that how I feel right now isn’t your fault

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s not because of anything you did.

 

**ling yaoi:** How _do_ you feel right now?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Confused. Shitty. Like a teenager, basically, but not in the fun Hollywood way.

 

**ling yaoi:** Don't we all

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** How did you know, anyway? That something was up I mean

 

**ling yaoi:** I just knew

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** That’s not cryptic at all

 

**ling yaoi:** Is it about Winry?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Kind of. But also kind of not? It’s stupid.

 

**ling yaoi:** Well, you Are stupid.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re a real comfort

 

**ling yaoi:** I try

  


* * *

 

**Direct Message** (  @Neko Al-tsume  )

  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Things are still weird with Ling

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Which means things are weird with Winry

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Which means my whole life is an incomprehensible slog of weird

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Your whole life consists of way more than your romantic misfortunes, Ed

**Neko Al-tsume:** So what’s so weird? I thought you had gotten over Ling?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t know

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s like

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Sometimes I feel like things are back to the way they were right before we got together. Like how we were

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t know, being assholes to each other because we liked each other

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And we’re basically still doing that, except it’s not in a romantic way

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Or at least, it’s not supposed to be

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But I don’t know, I just… Can’t help but re-feel some of it, you know?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Of what I felt before

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And I don’t know if it’s just some old memories resurfacing, or if I still genuinely like him

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And if it’s the latter, I’m fucked because he and Lan Fan are as good as together

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Oh dear

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah.

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Well, what about Winry?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I feel like I’ve always been a little in love with her? In theory??

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And I think she maybe likes me?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** We almost got engaged in kindergarten.

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Yeah, but so did she and I. I don’t know if that really means anything, Ed.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, I know

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** That being said, I’m positive she likes you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ugh, it’s too early for this feelings crap

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Also, you’re still dead to me for the milk thing. Watch your back, brother mine.

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Oh dear

  
  
  



	2. he said that she said that we said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **princess_panda:** A lot of references in this chat
> 
> **you know, nya:** our personalities have deteriorated to the point where we only communicate through obscure references, puns and softcore nihilism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enter mei!!! 
> 
> also chapter title from "drama" by ajr

**Ron Mercedes Hate Group** (#announcements)

 

**ling yaoi:** Would anyone be against it if I added Mei to the server?

**ling yaoi:** She just freed up enough storage on her phone to download discord

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Of course not! Go ahead and add her

 

**all i do is win:** Impressive response time, Al

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, Al

 

**you know, nya:** /chinhands gently :3c

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Grow up

 

**ling yaoi:** I assume that means you’re all okay with it?

 

**you know, nya:** sure!

 

**ling yaoi:** Alrighty

 

-> **princess_panda** joined the server

 

**all i do is win:** Awww what a cute username!!

 

**ling yaoi:** Right?

 

**princess_panda:** Hey everyone ^^

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Hey Mei!

 

**princess_panda:** Alphonse?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** That’s right!

 

**princess_panda:** Uhm...who’s Ron Mercedes?

 

**you know, nya:** thats code for roy mustang

**you know, nya:** this is paninya btw

 

**princess_panda:** OOHHH fdkjfjdkgndjff

**princess_panda:** Of course how did I not guess that

**princess_panda:** So, the DJ Khaled reference is Winry

 

**all i do is win:** You betcha

 

**princess_panda:** The Futurama reference is Edward of course

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Of course

 

**princess_panda:** And the German Naruto opening reference is Lan Fan

 

**ling yaoi:** She’s probably not online, but yes

 

**princess_panda:** A lot of references in this chat

 

**you know, nya:** our personalities have deteriorated to the point where we only communicate through obscure references, puns and softcore nihilism

 

**ling yaoi:** You’re going to scare her 

**ling yaoi:** This is now a child friendly server

**ling yaoi:** No more nihilism

**ling yaoi:** Or profanity 

 

**princess_panda:** Ling I’m only two years younger than you is this necessary

 

**ling yaoi:** I’m just kidding 

**ling yaoi:** But seriously you all are on thin ice

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** *Y’all

 

**ling yaoi:** You especially

  
  


* * *

 

**Direct Message** ( @Neko Al-tsume )

  
  


**ling yaoi:** Alphonse, I just wanted to let you know, if anyone is good enough for my baby sister, it’s you

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Uhm. Thank you I guess?

 

**ling yaoi:** I suppose I should be giving you the shovel talk

**ling yaoi:** But considering the fact that Mei is more than capable of tearing you apart limb from limb herself if you hurt her, I don’t think that’s necessary

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** ;;;;

 

**ling yaoi:** Welp! That’s all I had to say

**ling yaoi:** Adieu ~

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Direct Message** ( @princess_panda )

  
  


**Neko Al-tsume:** Are you Sure Ling doesn’t know we’re dating?

**Neko Al-tsume:** I just got a very ominous string of messages from him

 

**princess_panda:** Well I haven’t told him…

**princess_panda:** Because I know people will be Weird about it

**princess_panda:** But it looks like they’re gonna be weird about it anyway

**princess_panda:** Albeit in a different way than what I’ve been worried about 

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Well you know

**Neko Al-tsume:** You know that they’re all okay with it, right? More than okay with it

 

**princess_panda:** It’s not them I’m worried about 

**princess_panda:** It’s everyone else

**princess_panda:** I don’t want people at school to start giving you a hard time because you’re dating someone like me

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Someone wonderful like you?

 

**princess_panda:** You know what I mean

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Look, I don’t want to act like I completely understand what you’re going through or how you feel 

**Neko Al-tsume:** But I don’t ever want you to think that I’m ashamed of you

**Neko Al-tsume:** If you feel more comfortable keeping this a secret, I’m completely fine with it

**Neko Al-tsume:** But please don’t do it on my behalf, alright?

 

**princess_panda:** Bluh!!

**princess_panda:** You’re always so nice I don’t know what to do with myself!!!

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** How about you get lunch with me later?

**Neko Al-tsume:** I miss you

 

**princess_panda:** JDjdjskSJjVhs;jssbd

**princess_panda:** !!!!!!!!!

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Have I broken you? :3

 

**princess_panda:** Slightly!!!

**princess_panda:** But yes to lunch later

**princess_panda:** And Alphonse?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Yes Mei?

 

**princess_panda:** Thank you, you’re the best ♡♡♡

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** ♡♡♡

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Direct Message** ( @bite my shiny metal arm )

  
  


**Neko Al-tsume:** Hey Ed?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I have kind of a serious question

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh, okay. What’s up?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** So, when you first came to terms with being trans, were there like…

**Neko Al-tsume:** Is there anything you wish someone had told you? Any advice or words of encouragement?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Al…

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You know you did enough, right? You were my biggest support back then. Hell, you still are. And I’m thankful for everything you did for me. You don’t have to feel like you did something wrong

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** OH

**Neko Al-tsume:** No no no, that’s not what I was getting at

**Neko Al-tsume:** Though that’s reassuring to hear

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Then…?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Well it’s just that I think Mei could be going through similar things you had to deal with

**Neko Al-tsume:** And I wanted to know if there’s anything I can do to cheer her up

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Uh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hm

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** What if You talked to her?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Wait why me

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You guys are close friends

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Wink wink nudge nudge

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I’m serious, Ed

**Neko Al-tsume:** Don’t you wish you had a wise old trans mentor back then?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I guess it wouldn’t have hurt but

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Guh I’ll. Give it a shot?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Thank you, brother

**Neko Al-tsume:** It means a lot

**Neko Al-tsume:** I love you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, yeah, love you too

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Direct Message** ( @princess_panda )

  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Mei Chang 

 

**princess_panda:** Edward Elric

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I have something to say

 

**princess_panda:** Of course you do

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Shut up I’m trying to be not an asshole for once

 

**princess_panda:** Stellar work so far!!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** God it’s incredible how much you sound like Ling sometimes

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Anyway

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I just wanted you to know

**bite my shiny metal arm:** That I have a lot of respect for you as a person

 

**princess_panda:** Uh. Huh?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Look I know this is weird or whatever

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But I wish someone had said it to me when I was your age

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t. Talk about this a lot

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t know if Ling or Al told you or if you found it out yourself or heard it at school or uh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Agh fuck

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Look, being trans feels like shit a lot of the time

**bite my shiny metal arm:** People don’t get it and they ask personal questions and give you funny looks and are invasive and rude

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Sometimes it feels like no one in the world really understands you

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And that they don’t even want to

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But you know, you’ve got Ling, and he thinks the fucking world of you

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And I know you and me aren’t super close, especially since me and your brother broke up

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But you’ve got me, too

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And Al, of course.

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And all our weird ass friends.

**bite my shiny metal arm:** So I guess my point is

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Just. Be yourself. Intensely. Unapologetically. 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Because we have your back

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And you are one hardcore motherfucker

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Basically

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Illegitimi non carborundum.

 

**princess_panda:** What does that mean?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Don’t let the bastards get you down.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Direct Message** ( @Neko Al-tsume )

  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** I. Tried?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** She seemed kind of confused but idk. Hopefully it helped.

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Thank you, Ed

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** So when are you two gonna stop sneaking around and tell everyone you’re dating?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Hah

**Neko Al-tsume:** Nothing gets past you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re damn right

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Direct Message** ( @ling yaoi )

 

**princess_panda:** Ling?

 

**ling yaoi:** The one and only

 

**princess_panda:** I think I understand why you were with Edward for so long now

 

**ling yaoi:** Oh!

**ling yaoi:** Did you two talk?

 

**princess_panda:** Yes, but not about that

**princess_panda:** It was

**princess_panda:** It was about something else

**princess_panda:** It’s just easy to forget that he’s actually a good guy

 

**ling yaoi:** It sneaks up on you, doesn’t it?

 

**princess_panda:** Yes

**princess_panda:** Anyway, I have something to tell you

 

**ling yaoi:** I already gave Alphonse my blessing

 

**princess_panda:** Damn it!!!

**princess_panda:** How long have you known?

 

**ling yaoi:** Nothing gets past me, baby sis

**ling yaoi:** Why all the secrecy?

 

**princess_panda:** I don’t want people at school to be dicks to Al because he’s dating me

**princess_panda:** Things have finally quieted down now that I’ve

**princess_panda:** actually started looking the part

 

**ling yaoi:** Mei.

 

**princess_panda:** Ugh!! I just don’t want to make things weird by announcing to the world that I’m dating him!! I don’t want to drag him into this mess!!

**princess_panda:** They're gonna do stupid crap like start asking if he’s secretly gay or something and they’ll lose respect for him

**princess_panda:** I don’t want that!!

 

**ling yaoi:** Listen closely.

**ling yaoi:** Anyone who even  _ attempts _ to give you and Al a hard time will meet a swift and brutal death by my, Lan Fan’s, and Ed’s hands.

**ling yaoi:** And by the way

**ling yaoi:** You don’t just “look the part”

**ling yaoi:** You were born for this role.

 

**princess_panda:** …

 

**ling yaoi:** Do you want me to fabricate some sort of family emergency so I can get us out of class today?

**ling yaoi:** We can go to that ice cream place you like. Lan Fan has her car

 

**princess_panda:** You should really stop doing that Ling

**princess_panda:** One of these days Bradley is gonna wonder just how many terminally ill grandmothers we have

 

**ling yaoi:** He can’t prove anything.

**ling yaoi:** What’s he gonna do, ask me to send him a selfie from the funeral?

 

**princess_panda:** JFJDJXNDK FAIR POINT

 

**ling yaoi:** Just let me know if you need anything

 

**princess_panda:** Thanks, Ling

**princess_panda:** I think I’m ok now :’>

 

**ling yaoi:** Glad to hear it ^^

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Direct Message** ( @ling yaoi )

  
  


**ninja clan here we stand:** ling

**ninja clan here we stand:** are you alright

**ninja clan here we stand:** you were frowning at your phone

 

**ling yaoi:** Look at you, texting during class

**ling yaoi:** Very unprofessional, Lan Fan

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** youre doing it too

 

**ling yaoi:** Yes, but I’m not an honors student

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** you could be

**ninja clan here we stand:** not the point

**ninja clan here we stand:** are you ok?

 

**ling yaoi:** Mei was having some trans-related angst

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** was it also alphonse-related

 

**ling yaoi:** How did you know?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** hunch

**ninja clan here we stand:** also shes told me about this before 

 

**ling yaoi:** I had a hunch too, but this was the first I’d actually heard of it

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** she told me not to tell you

 

**ling yaoi:** Why?

**ling yaoi:** I’m trustworthy

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** yes but youre her brother. its probably awkward for her

 

**ling yaoi:** I don’t understand.

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** the important thing is she told you now, and you were there for her

 

**ling yaoi:** I suppose so.

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** youre angry

 

**ling yaoi:** Slightly.

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** she loves you

**ninja clan here we stand:** youre a good brother

 

**ling yaoi:** Hm.

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** she told me so herself 

**ninja clan here we stand:** she told me not to tell you that either on threat of multiple stab wounds

**ninja clan here we stand:** but i think i could take her

 

**ling yaoi:** Do not stab my sister, Lan Fan

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** i wont

**ninja clan here we stand:** unless she stabs first

**ninja clan here we stand:** but i dont think it will come to that

 

**ling yaoi:** Oh goodie

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** stop frowning

**ninja clan here we stand:** …

**ninja clan here we stand:** stop making that face at me before mr falman catches you

 

**ling yaoi:** You love it

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ridiculous.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Direct Message** ( @Neko Al-tsume )

  
  


**princess_panda:** Did you ask Ed to talk to me?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I thought he’d be able to give better advice on the matter than I could

**Neko Al-tsume:** I didn’t tell him we were dating though

**Neko Al-tsume:** Which isn’t to say he didn’t figure it out anyway *sigh*

 

**princess_panda:** Yeah, Ling definitely knows too

**princess_panda:** I guess their older brother senses start tingling whenever we try to keep secrets

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Hahaha, I guess so

**Neko Al-tsume:** Was what Ed said helpful?

 

**princess_panda:** Yeah, uhm

**princess_panda:** He was being really sweet? It kind of caught me off guard

**princess_panda:** It made me feel a lot better

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I’m so glad!!

**Neko Al-tsume:** ♡♡♡♡

 

**princess_panda:** So uhm

**princess_panda:** I figured since it looks like basically everyone who matters knows already

**princess_panda:** We might as well uhm

**princess_panda:** Make it officially public? (•\\\\\\\•)

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I’m amenable to that ♡

**Neko Al-tsume:** Does that mean I can kiss you at school now?

 

**princess_panda:** MAYBE

**princess_panda:** It’s kind of. A lot all at once hrjskfkskfn

**princess_panda:** I’m shyyyy, Alphonse

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** It’s very cute

 

**princess_panda:** Stoooooooopppp ( >///<)

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Never

 

**princess_panda:** Ok I’m actually going to start paying attention to my class now

**princess_panda:** Bye !! ♡♡

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Bye ♡

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Ron Mercedes Hate Group** ( #announcements )

  
  


**princess_panda:** Uhm hey everyone

**princess_panda:** Just thought you should know

**princess_panda:** Al and I are dating

 

**you know, nya:** winry pay up

 

**all i do is win:** UGH

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Aw man if I knew you guys were placing bets I would have joined in

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** congratulations

 

**ling yaoi:** _WHAT??_

**ling yaoi:** Mei and Alphonse??  _ Dating??? _

**ling yaoi:** IMAGINE MY SHOCK!

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** @princess_panda Now I understand what you were so worried about

 

**princess_panda:** I WANT OUT OF THIS SERVER

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you thought anyone in this fic was gonna be cishet you were dead wrong


	3. nothing good happens past 2am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Neko Al-tsume:** Whoa all these unread messages  
>  **Neko Al-tsume:** What the heck happened last night?
> 
> **all i do is win:** Roy Mustang sobbing into a bucket of KFC chicken
> 
> **Neko Al-tsume:** Excuse me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "2AM" by bear hands

**Ron Mercedes Hate Group** (  #air your grievances  )

  


**you know, nya:** i think the fact that discord now has spell check is a hate crime

**you know, nya:** an act of violent homophobia

**you know, nya:** im gay and i cant spell shit leave me alone

 

**ling yaoi:** You’re valid.

 

**you know, nya:** fuck this red squiggly line i write how i want

 

**ling yaoi:** You are so incredibly valid.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** No she’s not she’s evil

 

**you know, nya:** i have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life

 

**all i do is win:** I know this, and I love you.

 

**princess_panda:** Aw man I was about to type that

 

**all i do is win:** Don’t worry sweetie, you’ll get your chance.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Paninya once shoved a paper bag of weed down the front of my pants because she didn’t wanna get caught taking it to the roof

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I bumped into Bradley on the way up and had an entire conversation with him while looking like I had a massive boner because I had a fat ass bag of pot stuffed in my underwear

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And she just left me there

 

**princess_panda:** …

 

**all i do is win:** Okay that is pretty bad

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I DON’T EVEN SMOKE BUT THAT WOULDN’T HAVE HELD UP IF I JUST PULLED A SUSPICIOUS BAG OUTTA MY PANTS IN FRONT OF THE MOST TERRIFYING MAN IN THE ENTIRE WORLD

 

**you know, nya:** i regret nothing

 

**princess_panda:** You should regret it a little bit ^^;

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** SEE?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** INVALID.

 

**ling yaoi:** I never thought I’d say this

**ling yaoi:** But I think I have to side with Ed on this one

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Paninya LeCoulte confirmed invalid on March 10th, 2018

 

**you know, nya:** dont hate me cuz you aint me

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I hate you because you’re an ass

 

**you know, nya:** things are getting a bit hostile

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** SO MAYBE DON’T SHOVE DRUGS DOWN MY PANTS

 

**ling yaoi:** The bar is so low

**ling yaoi:** And yet Paninya has tripped right over it

**ling yaoi:** Into a ravine

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Avril Ravine

 

**ling yaoi:** Thank you, Alphonse

 

**you know, nya:** i think

**you know, nya:** that i am being bullied

 

**all i do is win:** Oh yes absolutely

 

**ling yaoi:** 100%

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Yup

 

**princess_panda:** You reap what you sow

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** HA

**bite my shiny metal arm:** For once it’s not me

 

**ling yaoi:** Enjoy it while it lasts

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Is that a threat

 

**ling yaoi:** ;3

  
  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Ron Mercedes Hate Group** (  #shenanigan. just one  )

  


**all i do is win:** You know considering the group name I don’t think we hate on Mustang enough

**all i do is win:** I think we’ve lost sight of ourselves among the dank swamp of memes we’ve cultivated

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I really hate that you phrased it that way but you’re right

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Though lately he’s been doing less things to invoke my ire

 

**ling yaoi:** He’s leading us into a false sense of security

**ling yaoi:** Just you wait, he’ll do something douchey sooner or later

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re probably right

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But uh actually

**bite my shiny metal arm:** The other day he lowkey offered to write me a recommendation for college? I think?

 

**you know, nya:** WHAT

 

**all i do is win:** ED!!!!

 

**you know, nya:** ARE YOU GONNA TAKE HIM UP ON IT

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I DON’T KNOW

**bite my shiny metal arm:** He’s a creep and a jerk but

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I can’t think of anyone else who would write me one

 

**all i do is win:** Hughes would

 

**ling yaoi:** Hawkeye would

 

**you know, nya:** armstrong would

 

**ling yaoi:** Which Armstrong?

 

**you know, nya:** buff one

 

**ling yaoi:** Ah yes

**ling yaoi:** Honestly Ed, despite your rude and volatile disposition, all your teachers love you.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** “Love” is a strong word alright everyone calm down

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And anyway I’m not so sure

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Mustang probably meant it as a joke

**bite my shiny metal arm:** He’ll write a really shitty one and hand it to me like “SIKE!”

 

**all i do is win:** So you’re probably gonna hate what I’m about to tell you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh good

 

**all i do is win:** But listen, I think Mustang gives you such a hard time because he actually likes and respects you

**all i do is win:** It’s like tough love

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re right, I DID hate that

 

**all i do is win:** :P

 

**ling yaoi:** Edward, you should take him up on it when the time comes

**ling yaoi:** And ask some of the other aforementioned teachers, too

 

**Neko Al-tsume** : Told you  @bite my shiny metal arm 

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** BLUH

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Alright enough future talk

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Letter or no letter I don’t want to lose sight of the reason we made this chat

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And that is to make fun of Roy Mustang every chance we get

 

**ling yaoi:** Ron Mercedes

 

**you know, nya:** ringo mitsubishi

 

**ling yaoi:** Ooooh, good one

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Everyone be extra vigilant

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I need more blurry cryptid photos of him spilling coffee on himself and other stupid shit like that

**bite my shiny metal arm:** So keep your eyes peeled

 

**you know, nya:** spongebob_reference.jpeg

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Thanks Paninya, go to hell

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


**Ringo Mitsubishi Hate Group** (#shenanigan. just one)

  


**you know, nya:** EVERYONE WAKE THE FUCK UP I JUST STRUCK THE MOTHERLOAD VIS A VIS OUR ROLLS ROYCE DILEMMA

 

**ling yaoi:** Oooh, do tell

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** This better be good, I’m already in bed

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** 93 unread messages

**ninja clan here we stand:** i finally caught up

 

**ling yaoi:** What are you doing up so late, you naughty child?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yikes

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** im always up this late

**ninja clan here we stand:** paninya tell us what happened

 

**you know, nya:** ALRIGHT SO

**you know, nya:** it’s tuesday, 1:34am

**you know, nya:** in fair central where we lay our scene

**you know, nya:** i have just pulled into the kfc drive thru for my late night snackings

 

**ling yaoi:** Valid.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Gross

 

**you know, nya:** but there’s a paper taped to the weird intercom thing that says “out of order”

**you know, nya:** but i don’t let that stop me so i go inside to get that crispy chicken i crave so much

**you know, nya:** and who do i see arguing with the cashier?

**you know, nya:** at 1:34am on a tuesday?

**you know, nya:** wearing sweatpants and crocs?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** No way. No fucking way

 

**ling yaoi:** Ohohohohohooooo

 

**you know, nya:** the man, the myth, the smarmy, douchey legend

**you know, nya:** randy maserati

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Holy shit

**bite my shiny metal arm:** CROCS

**bite my shiny metal arm:** CROOOOOOOCS

 

**ling yaoi:** Oh it’s so sad

**ling yaoi:** So deliciously sad

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** what are crocs

 

**ling yaoi:** Lan Fan I love you so much

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ?

 

**you know, nya:** ok look yall

**you know, nya:** speaking as a lesbian

**you know, nya:** and ignoring his poor fashion choices

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Paninya don’t say it

 

**you know, nya:** alrIGHT THE FACT THAT YOU CAN ANTICIPATE WHAT IM ABOUT TO SAY TELLS ME IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS

**you know, nya:** HE LOOKED KINDA HOT OK

**you know, nya:** IM NOT EVEN INTO DUDES AND I SEE IT

**you know, nya:** HIS HAIR WAS MESSY AND HE HAD STUBBLE IT WAS CUTE

**you know, nya:** I HAVE A PICTURE ITS BLURRY BUT HERE

**you know, nya:** one_sad_man.jpeg

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh my god he really is arguing with the cashier

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Did you catch any of it?

 

**you know, nya:** ya they got his order wrong and he was like “this is unacceptable” and got fcukin heated abt it like a suburban mom at walmart whose coupons are expired

 

**ling yaoi:** Who knew he was so serious about fried chicken?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** are you saying youre not serious about fried chicken

 

**ling yaoi:** Touché

 

**you know, nya:** BUT WAIT THERES MORE

**you know, nya:** after they fixed his order and he turned around to leave, he saw me

**you know, nya:** and just, the look of defeat on his face

**you know, nya:** he went thru the 5 stages of grief in 0.2 seconds

**you know, nya:** it was so sad

**you know, nya:** “its been a long night” he said

**you know, nya:** and i said “yeah i feel you i mean sometimes u just gotta make that dirty deal w colonel sanders at 2am on a week night i get it”

**you know, nya:** and he kinda laughed but i could tell it was painful for him that i was able to relate to him on any level whatsoever

**you know, nya:** (pretty sure he still just thinks of me as the asshole who pulled the fire alarm to get out of a presentation in his class sophomore year)

**you know, nya:** and as he waved goodbye i saluted and went “at ease, colonel sanders” and i think i broke his spirit actually

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Everyone who agrees that we should exclusively address Mustang as “Colonel” from now on say aye

 

**ling yaoi:** Aye

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** aye

 

**you know, nya:** FJNDNXDKX AYE

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** He’s gonna revoke that offer to write me a recommendation letter so fucking quick but it’ll be worth it to see the look on his face

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** now im hungry

**ninja clan here we stand:** ling

 

**ling yaoi:** I have leftover fried rice in the fridge

**ling yaoi:** Do you want to sneak over or should I?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** grandfather would notice if i tried to sneak out i think

 

**ling yaoi:** Alright, I’ll be over in a few minutes

**ling yaoi:** Have your window open

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** already is

 

**you know, nya:** i guess living next door to each other has its perks

 

**ling yaoi:** It absolutely does

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Careful not to get your ass kicked by Lan Fan’s gramps

 

**ling yaoi:** Ye of little faith

**ling yaoi:** I have over a decade of experience breaking into her house

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Probably shouldn’t broadcast that

 

**ling yaoi:** Fair

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Welp I’m gonna sleep

**bite my shiny metal arm:** See y’all tomorrow

 

**you know, nya:** dream about mustang sadly eating a bucket of fried chicken alone in the dark which is probably what he’s doing

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Thanks Pan

 

**you know, nya:** welcome

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Ringo Mitsubishi Hate Group** (  #shenanigan. just one  )

  


**all i do is win:** Holy shit Paninya

**all i do is win:** Your atrocious dietary habits have actually done us all some good

**all i do is win:** I feel like I should thank you

 

**you know, nya:** doing the lord’s work is its own reward ma’am

**you know, nya:** however i do also accept kfc gift cards

 

**all i do is win:** A bite of my PB &J at lunch it is

 

**you know, nya:** i will accept that also

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Whoa all these unread messages

**Neko Al-tsume:** What the heck happened last night?

 

**all i do is win:** Roy Mustang sobbing into a bucket of KFC chicken

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Excuse me

 

**ling yaoi:** Scroll up, you’re gonna wanna see for yourself

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Wait Al before you do, come into the kitchen, I wanna see your reaction

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I’m worried

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Don’t be, you’re gonna love it

 

**princess_panda:** Wait what??

 

**ling yaoi:** Scroll, silly

 

**princess_panda:** IGLDKFKKKFFKSHAH

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** “HE LOOKED KINDA HOT OK” Really Paninya??? REALLY?

**Neko Al-tsume:** _That’s_ honestly more shocking than Mustang at a KFC in the middle of the night wearing crocs and sweatpants

 

**all i do is win:** Okay honestly?

**all i do is win:** If you ignore the douchebaggery and the resting bitch face, Mustang ain’t hard to look at, guys

 

**you know, nya:** SEE??

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** He has a shitty haircut

 

**all i do is win:** WOW LOOK WHO’S TALKING, HIPPIE

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** SHUT UP

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** paninya and winry are right

 

**ling yaoi:** Are they though??

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** mustang and hawkeye are seeing each other

**ninja clan here we stand:** and hawkeye is gorgeous

**ninja clan here we stand:** she wouldnt settle for someone ugly

 

**ling yaoi:** I like how That’s how you judge his looks instead of just

**ling yaoi:** Looking at him

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** WAITWAITWAITWAITWAIT

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You think Mustang and Hawkeye are fucking???

 

**all i do is win:** I’m glad I’m not the only one who sees this!!

**all i do is win:** I don’t have proof but I’m convinced there’s something there

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** once hawkeye came in to borrow a dry erase marker from mustangs classroom and the way he was staring at her…

**ninja clan here we stand:** either theyre together or he wishes they were

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh god

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh god I just pictured something terrible

**bite my shiny metal arm:** My innocent virgin eyes...

 

**ling yaoi:** That’s rich!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** SHUT IT

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Now that you mention it, I do see them together a lot

**Neko Al-tsume:** If they Are a thing, I wonder if they’re keeping it secret since Mustang is also Vice Principal?

**Neko Al-tsume:** Things would be awkward enough if they were just coworkers, but he’s kind of her boss, too

 

**princess_panda:** Oooh forbidden romance

**princess_panda:** Exciting!!!!!!! +_+

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Hahaha I figured you’d say that

 

**princess_panda:** You know me so well ^^

 

**you know, nya:** you two make me go heart eyes emoji

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Thanks Paninya ^^;

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You two make me go puke emoji

 

**princess_panda:** Kiss my ass Ed

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Kiss my ass Ed

 

**all i do is win:** So in sync

 

**ling yaoi:** Looping back to what we were talking about just now

**ling yaoi:** I think further investigation into the Colonel’s love life is required

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I have literally never wanted to investigate anything less

 

**ling yaoi:** Fair response but hear me out

**ling yaoi:** Think of all the juicy blackmail opportunities if we _do_ in fact uncover something

**ling yaoi:** We could make Mustang’s life hell

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ling

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You had me at blackmail

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** hold it

**ninja clan here we stand:** if you blackmail the colonel with info on his affair with hawkeye youre indirectly blackmailing her as well

**ninja clan here we stand:** which 1) she doesnt deserve and 2) she will literally murder you and display your asses over her mantelpiece for it

 

**all i do is win:** Yeah guys Hawkeye doesn’t need this shit

**all i do is win:** I mean she’s terrifying but she hasn’t done anything wrong

**all i do is win:** She told me she liked my hair once and I didn’t know how to respond so I did finger guns and moonwalked away

**all i do is win:** God she’s hot

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** What is with all the sudden teacher thirst in this chat??

 

**ling yaoi:** Okay no Winry’s actually valid this time, Hawkeye is a beautiful lady

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t see it

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Like she’s not ugly but

 

**you know, nya:** you fucking troglodyte

 

**all i do is win:** No offense Ed but do you fucking have eyes

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** She’s what like 40??

 

**princess_panda:** WOW

 

**you know, nya:** i am

**you know, nya:** THIS close to booting you from the server, elric

**you know, nya:** youre on thin fucking ice

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** GET FUCKED PANINYA

 

**- > ** **bite my shiny metal arm** **was removed from the group**

 

**you know, nya:** HA

**you know, nya:** TELL ME HOW MY ASS TASTES ED

 

**ling yaoi:** You know he can’t actually read that, right?

 

**all i do is win:** Wow you actually booted him

**all i do is win:** Guess he flew too close to the sun

**all i do is win:** On wings of ornery nonsense and shitty taste in women

 

**you know, nya:** you know i had to do it to em

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Amen

  
  


* * *

 

  


**Direct Message** (  @you know, nya  )

  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** LET ME THE FUCK BACK IN

 

**you know, nya:** say the magic word

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Abracafuck you you little shit

 

**you know, nya:** HM

**you know, nya:** NO I THINK NOT

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** UGH ALRIGHT how bout this

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’ll do your chem homework for you

 

**you know, nya:** HHHFBFJ JGG

**you know, nya:** HNNNNNGGG i want so badly to say Yes but my conscieeeenceeeee edwaaaaaaaarrrrdddd

**you know, nya:** just buy me a soda or something my prices arent quite so steep

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I can’t believe I’m letting you charge me Anything for this

 

**you know, nya:** aw you must really love chatting with all your little friendlies

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Barf.

 

**you know, nya:** ok elric i’ll let you off the hook just this once

**you know, nya:** your excommunication has been lifted

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hallelujah

  


 

* * *

 

  


**Ringo Mitsubishi Hate Group** (  #shenanigan. just one  )

  


**- > ** **bite my shiny metal arm** **has been added to the group**

  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Surprise, bitch

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me

 

**ling yaoi:** It was more of a hope or a wish

 

**all i do is win:** It was peaceful while it lasted

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re all dead to me actually, I’m booting my damn self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to give them an excuse to call mustang "colonel" and this was the best i could come up with


	4. here come the runts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **bite my shiny metal arm:** *Seymour Skinner voice* Should I feel bad for talking shit about a teacher as much as I do?  
>  **bite my shiny metal arm:** No, it is Mustang who is wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "here come the runts" by awolnation

**Direct Message** ( @Neko Al-tsume )

  
  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Al

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Al

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Al

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I’m in class with the Ice Queen and if she catches me on my phone she’s gonna shove her foot so far up my butt I’ll be able to taste the bottom of her shoe

**Neko Al-tsume:** Her words, not mine

**Neko Al-tsume:** So this better be important

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It is ugh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Look, you wouldn’t happen to have any pads on you, would you?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Uh oh

**Neko Al-tsume:** I stopped keeping them on me a while ago...Sorry, Ed.

**Neko Al-tsume:** I thought being on T would make your period go away? It’s been like half a year already

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Well it’s definitely more irregular and shorter

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But that just means it’s harder to keep track of

**bite my shiny metal arm:** This fucking sucks

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You could ask Winry?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah I know, it’s just

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It just feels lame asking her for that stuff ever since I came out

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** C’mon, Ed

**Neko Al-tsume:** She’s our best friend

**Neko Al-tsume:** She’s not gonna judge you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** UGH alright

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I’ll start carrying back-up pads again if you want? Since you always forget smh

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Thanks, Al. Means a lot

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Love you, gtg

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** K, love you too

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @all i do is win )

  
  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hey Winry?

 

**all i do is win:** Hey Ed?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Uh do you have any pads?

 

**all i do is win:** You still get periods?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Evidently.

 

**all i do is win:** Oh shit

**all i do is win:** But yeah I do

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Any chance you could take some to the 2nd floor bathroom?

 

**all i do is win:** Now?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** If possible...

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Sorry about this 

 

**all i do is win:** Eh it’s fine, I was kind of looking for an excuse to get out of French for a bit anyway

**all i do is win:** I’ll be right there so sit tight

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** God, thank you so much

 

**all i do is win:** Please, call me Winry ;)

**all i do is win:** I have baby aspirin on me too if you need some

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** GOD

**bite my shiny metal arm:** THANK YOU

 

**all i do is win:** Also

**all i do is win:** You can come to me with this stuff, always

**all i do is win:** I know you feel weird about it, especially since I knew you before you started your transition, but you don’t have to

**all i do is win:** You’re still a gross, smelly boy to me

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** _Hey_

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t smell

 

**all i do is win:** I know :P

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Randy Maserati Hate Group** ( #shenanigan. just one. )

  
  
  


**you know, nya:** i have made an observation re: are hawkeye and mustang a thing

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh dear GOD keep it to yourself

 

**you know, nya:** i realized just now that both of them look pretty worn out

**you know, nya:** almost like theyve been up all night

**you know, nya:** EATING KFC CHICKEN TOGETHER AND HUGGING

 

**ling yaoi:** How chaste

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Somehow that image is grosser to me than if they were having sex

 

**all i do is win:** Yeah, it’s bad

 

**princess_panda:** +_+

**princess_panda:** THEY’RE TOGETHER I CAN FEEL IT

 

**you know, nya:** SEE?? MEI GETS IT

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re both insane actually

 

**all i do is win:** We should start a betting pool

 

**ling yaoi:** Oooooooh we  _ absolutely _ should

 

**you know, nya:** alright 5 bucks says theyre doin it

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** They are not??

**bite my shiny metal arm:** 5 bucks says they're just coworkers

 

**ling yaoi:** They’re dating. 20 bucks.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s gonna feel so good taking your money

 

**ling yaoi:** Don’t count your eggs before they’ve hatched, Edward

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You just gave me

**bite my shiny metal arm:** THE best prank idea

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** pranks

 

**ling yaoi:** You’ve summoned Lan Fan

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Well don’t keep us in suspense. 

 

**ling yaoi:** Let’s hear it, Sassacre

 

**princess_panda:** What?

 

**ling yaoi:** Don’t worry about it.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Alright so here it is

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Phase One: We buy a carton of eggs

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Phase Two: Get into the Colonel’s office

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Phase Three:Unhinge the grate on the air vent by his desk, you know the one

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Phase Four: place the carton of eggs in the vent

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Phase Five: Wait.

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Phase Six: Profit.

 

**you know, nya:** i have several questions

**you know, nya:** number one: what. number two: why.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** In a couple days the eggs will rot and make his office smell like shit

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And he’ll have no idea where the fuck it’s coming from

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’ll drive him insane and because it’ll take a few days he’ll have a hard time tracing it back to us

**bite my shiny metal arm:** All we need to do is find a good excuse to be in his office

 

**ling yaoi:** This is disgusting and juvenile and I love every single part of it

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Alright, I can get on board with this, but we still need to figure out 1. How we’re gonna transport a whole carton of eggs into his office inconspicuously and 2. How we’ll even get into his office in the first place

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** disciplinary reasons

**ninja clan here we stand:** if you break a school rule you get sent to mustang

 

**princess_panda:** Yeah, but if he’s in the room you can’t exactly climb up on his desk and pop the vent open

 

**you know, nya:** someone could cause some sort of distraction?

**you know, nya:** anything that’ll get him out of that room for a while

**you know, nya:** like saying there’s a fight going on on the third floor or something

 

**ling yaoi:** Will that buy us enough time to pop the grate on the vent, get the eggs in, and put the grate back on though?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** We could go a different route altogether

**Neko Al-tsume:** Someone could just sneak in

 

**princess_panda:** Espionage!!

 

**ling yaoi:** That may be easier since we won’t need to come up with an excuse to get someone in his office in the first place

**ling yaoi:** Might still need a distraction, though

 

**you know, nya:** i could talk to him about kfc

 

**ling yaoi:** I feel like there’s maybe not that much to talk about on that topic

 

**you know, nya:** fast food chains in general?

 

**ling yaoi:** Warmer

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You know, he once mentioned liking dogs

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Winry, you could show him pictures of Den

 

**all i do is win:** Alright but what am I supposed to say exactly? 

**all i do is win:** “Yo Mustang, check this bitch. Why am I talking to you about non-school related topics all of a sudden? Don’t worry about it! Shut up already!”

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Sounds pretty solid to me

 

**all i do is win:** You’re a fucking idiot

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** in the meantime i can sneak into his office and do the egg thing

**ninja clan here we stand:** but im going to need someone to stand watch just in case

**ninja clan here we stand:** worst case scenario i can climb out his office window and make a break for it

 

**princess_panda:** Why are you all so familiar with the layout of Mustang’s office??

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** They’re there a lot

**Neko Al-tsume:** Disciplinary reasons

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ive never actually been sent there

**ninja clan here we stand:** i just go when ling does to make sure he doesnt do anything stupid

 

**ling yaoi:** You know, I would be hurt if that wasn’t actually a valid concern 

 

**all i do is win:** Okay I do actually kind of have a problem with this prank though

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** WEAK

 

**all i do is win:** HEAR ME OUT

**all i do is win:** I feel like Mustang is maybe going through a lot right now?

**all i do is win:** If his nocturnal excursions to shitty fast food chains are anything to go by

 

**you know, nya:** hey i go on nocturnal excursions to shitty fast food chains

 

**all i do is win:** Yeah, and your life is a dumpster fire, Paninya

 

**you know, nya:** alright well you dont have to be an asshole

 

**all i do is win:** You know I love your chaotic neutral ass

 

**you know, nya:** i know  <3

 

**all i do is win:** But yeah, I do think that maybe we should ease up on the Colonel, at least for now

**all i do is win:** When we do this, I want it to feel like he really deserves it

**all i do is win:** If we did it now it’d be like kicking a man while he’s down

**all i do is win:** In the nuts

**all i do is win:** Off a cliff

**all i do is win:** Into the ocean

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** What is this feeling in my chest…

**Neko Al-tsume:** Is it...sympathy? For Mustang?

 

**ling yaoi:** I feel it too. Cut it out of me.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Alright FINE

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But the next time he does something shitty, it’s egg time

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’m serious, I want everyone ready to go when I give the signal

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I want this to be a clean operation. In and out. Bada bing bada boom.

 

**ling yaoi:** Roger roger

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** aye sir

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** It’s been a while since we’ve all been in on a collective prank

 

**ling yaoi:** Nothing like a few scholastic infractions to really bring a group of friends together 

 

**princess_panda:** The only person I’ve ever pranked is Ling

**princess_panda:** Like that one time I taped down the trigger on the kitchen sink spray nozzle and asked him to pour me a glass of water

 

**ling yaoi:** Pretty sneaky, sis

 

**princess_panda:** ^v^

 

**you know, nya:** you fit in well with these hooligans

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You say that like you’re not a hooligan

 

**you know, nya:** I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG, EVER, IN MY LIFE

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** NEED I REMIND YOU OF THE BAG OF WEED IN MY UNDERWEAR

 

**princess_panda:** I KNOW THIS, AND I LOVE YOU

**princess_panda:** AW MAN I was too late again !

 

**all i do is win:** Next time, hon

**all i do is win:** I believe in you

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


**Randy Maserati Hate Group** ( #air your grievances )

  
  


**princess_panda:** GUYS I just realized something upsetting

 

**ling yaoi:** I’ll replenish your “secret” pudding stash in the back of the fridge, calm down

**ling yaoi:** I only took like 3 cups

 

**princess_panda:** Okay wow it definitely wasn’t about that but we  _ will _ have a talk later

 

**ling yaoi:** Haha oops;

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You’re a dead man

 

**ling yaoi:** Help.

 

**princess_panda:** I was GOING to say

**princess_panda:** Since this group is literally dedicated to messing with Mustang

**princess_panda:** And we even take secret pictures of him sometimes and make fun of him pretty relentlessly...

**princess_panda:** Is this, like

**princess_panda:** Cyberbullying?

 

**princess_panda:** IT BOTHERS ME THAT NO ONE HAS ANSWERED

**princess_panda:** I  _ KNOW _ YOU’RE ALL ONLINE, I CAN SEE YOU

**princess_panda:** ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE TRUTH??

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** *Seymour Skinner voice* Should I feel bad for talking shit about a teacher as much as I do?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** No, it is Mustang who is wrong

 

**ling yaoi:** Yeah that’s basically the gist of it

 

**you know, nya:** i think for it to be cyberbullying we’d need to like harass him publicly on social media

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Fuck man let’s do it

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’ll cyberbully Mustang if I goddamn want to

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Anyone know if he has a twitter I could troll?

 

**all i do is win:** You’re not trolling Mustang on twitter, Ed

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** He probably can’t even use one

**Neko Al-tsume:** YouTube autoplay is already too advanced for him

 

**ling yaoi:** I cannot believe he managed to land someone like Hawkeye

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, neither can I. Because he didn’t

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’m telling you, there’s nothing there

 

**ling yaoi:** It is exactly this kind of blatant disregard for subtlety and romance that led to our break up

 

**you know, nya:** LOL

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I will kick your ass, Ling

 

**ling yaoi:** I wonder what I should fill your thermos with next

**ling yaoi:** @everyone I’m open to suggestions, DM me

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** UGH

 

**all i do is win:** I thought after you two broke up we wouldn’t be subjected to your lover’s spats anymore

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** ME TOO

  
  


* * *

 

 

**Direct Message** ( @princess_panda )

  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Mei Chang

 

**princess_panda:** Edward Elric

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I have a question

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s kind of awkward

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And I need you to swear to me that you won’t tell anyone about this, okay?

 

**princess_panda:** Oh, is everything ok?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah this is just extremely uncomfortable is all

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’d kind of rather die than talk about it but seeing how that’s not an option, I just need to know

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Does your brother ever...talk about me?

 

**princess_panda:** What do you mean?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Well, like

**bite my shiny metal arm:** He doesn’t resent me or anything, right?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Our breakup was amicable and all but I just need to be sure

 

**princess_panda:** Honestly, he doesn’t really talk to me about that stuff

**princess_panda:** I know he was pretty bummed after it happened but I think that’s normal?

**princess_panda:** Now he sees you as a really good friend. One of his best friends

**princess_panda:** I don’t think you have to worry 

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Alright, cool

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Thanks

 

**princess_panda:** No problem ^^

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @Neko Al-tsume )

  
  
  


**all i do is win:** Hey Al?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** What’s up, Winry?

 

**all i do is win:** Can I ask you something?

**all i do is win:** It’s kind of super embarrassing

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Winry, we knew each other when we both used to still wet the bed

**Neko Al-tsume:** So I think we’re past worrying about stuff like that

 

**all i do is win:** Hahaha, I guess so

**all i do is win:** Anyway, I was wondering if you knew what the deal is with Ed and Ling?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** The deal?

 

**all i do is win:** Yeah, like

**all i do is win:** Sometimes it almost seems like they’re back together

**all i do is win:** I mean, I know they’re not because they’d tell us if they were, but

**all i do is win:** I wonder if Ed still likes him?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Hmm

**Neko Al-tsume:** Well, why not ask him directly?

 

**all i do is win:** Are you kidding? Ed never tells me anything

**all i do is win:** Not the important stuff, at least…

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You’re his best friend, Winry. He loves you

**Neko Al-tsume:** He’s miserable at showing it, but he knows you’re always there for him

 

**all i do is win:** Yeah, I guess so

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Anyway, I’m not really sure how he feels about Ling right now

**Neko Al-tsume:** And I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t know, either, honestly

 

**all i do is win:** Oh, I see…

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Why do you ask?

 

**all i do is win:** Just curious!

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Alright then

**Neko Al-tsume:** Love you, Winry ♡

 

**all i do is win:** Love you too, Al ♡

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some Feelings in this one. gross.
> 
> (theres also a brief homestuck reference in this one. even grosser)


	5. cheer up! has something got you down?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **you know, nya:** you’re telling me you’ll have that big ass mansion all to yourselves for a whole week
> 
> **ling yaoi:** Paninya, that is _exactly_ what I’m telling you  
>  **ling yaoi:** So  
>  **ling yaoi:** Party?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "couch potato" by shortstraw

**Rolls Royce Hate Group**  ( #shenanigan. just one. )

  
  


**all i do is win:** So

**all i do is win:** Spring break next week 

**all i do is win:** Anyone have plans?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Dad is taking Ed and me to Berlin

 

**you know, nya:** seriously????

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah he’s got some conference to go to and decided to take us

 

**all i do is win:** That sounds awesome!!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I think he’s tryna make up for being absent as hell during our childhood by taking us on these “fun family vacations” all the time

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But he usually has work to do while we’re there anyway so like what’s the point

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** He means well

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I guess

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What about the rest of you?

 

**you know, nya:** oh, you know

**you know, nya:** milan, paris

**you know, nya:** the usual

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ha-ha.

 

**you know, nya:** i’ll just be helping pops with the shop, nothing too exciting

 

**all i do is win:** Do you think he’d let me do an internship with him?

**all i do is win:** He’s a great mechanic

 

**you know, nya:** aaaaaaahh……

**you know, nya:** hmmmm

**you know, nya:** you could ask i guess but

**you know, nya:** you’ve met him. he’s kind of…

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** A dick?

 

**you know, nya:** yeah basically

**you know, nya:** he likes you winry but idk

**you know, nya:** he doesn’t work so well with others

**you know, nya:** completely socially inept

 

**all i do is win:** Aw man

**all i do is win:** I guess I have nothing to do over spring break then

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Won’t you be helping Granny in her lab?

 

**all i do is win:** Yeah but I do that all the time so it doesn’t count

 

**ling yaoi:** NERD ALERT

 

**all i do is win:** IDIOT ALERT

 

**ling yaoi:** ♡

 

**all i do is win:** ♡

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** @princess_panda What are your plans for spring break?

 

**princess_panda:** Nothing, really

**princess_panda:** Father’s away on business so Ling and I will have the house to ourselves

**princess_panda:** Not all that exciting

 

**ling yaoi:** Mei, Mei, Mei, Mei, Mei

**ling yaoi:** You think too small

 

**you know, nya:** you’re telling me you’ll have that big ass mansion all to yourselves for a whole week

 

**ling yaoi:** Paninya, that is  _ exactly _ what I’m telling you

**ling yaoi:** So

**ling yaoi:** Party?

 

**all i do is win:** Omg

**all i do is win:** I think this will be the first time I’ve been to your house

 

**ling yaoi:** We have a pool

 

**all i do is win:** I’m moving in

 

**you know, nya:** ok is this like real

**you know, nya:** are we doing this

 

**princess_panda:** Father would be absolutely furious if he found out

 

**ling yaoi:** We’ll be careful, he’ll never know

**ling yaoi:** It’ll just be us and maybe Greed

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I still cannot believe you hang out with a guy who goes by “Greed”

 

**ling yaoi:** Cringe-worthy self-appointed nicknames aside, he’s a reliable plug and actually a good guy once you get to know him

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** no hes not

 

**ling yaoi:** Alright so maybe he’s not a  _ good _ guy, but he’s alright 

**ling yaoi:** Anyway, yeah. We’re doing this

 

**you know, nya:** i’d offer to pitch in for booze and stuff but seeing as how you're a bougie bitch i’ll abstain

 

**ling yaoi:** That’s fair

 

**all i do is win:** I’m excited!! 

 

**you know, nya:** now i feel slightly better about the fact that im not flying off to europe for the week

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Speaking of, do you guys have any souvenir requests?

 

**all i do is win:** Ooooooooh

 

**princess_panda:** Haribo gummy bears!!! I wanna compare them to the ones we have here

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You’re so cute

 

**princess_panda:** Hehehe

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** BARF

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Anyone else?

 

**all i do is win:** Those yogurette thingies!! Hold on I have a picture

**all i do is win:** chocolate_of_the_gods.jpeg

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh yeah, Hohenheim brought some back for us last time he went

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Though I’m pretty sure they’re actually an Italian thing

 

**all i do is win:** Either way, I haven’t been able to find them here, so get me some!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Alright, alright

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ling? Lan? Pan?

 

**ling yaoi:** Aren’t traffic lights a big deal there? Like, they have the funny little men with hats

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ampelmännchen, yeah

 

**ling yaoi:** Something related to that, then

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** whats that one really good german chocolate brand

**ninja clan here we stand:** starts with an r

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ritter Sport?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** yeah

**ninja clan here we stand:** hazelnut, nougat, butter biscuit

 

**you know, nya:** get me a shot glass

**you know, nya:** i want it to have a ~berlin~ feel

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Alright I’ll see what I can do

 

**all i do is win:** Take lots of pictures, too!!

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Will do!

 

**you know, nya:** drink lots of good german beer

**you know, nya:** wear lederhosen

**you know, nya:** gesundheit

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t drink

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I do, but that’s a no to the Lederhosen

 

**all i do is win:** I think I have a solution

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** No

 

**all i do is win:** Ed wears Lederhosen, Al gets drunk, somebody films it and sends it to me so I can experience German culture from the comfort of my bedroom

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** NO

 

**all i do is win:** Awww

 

**you know, nya:** you just live to disappoint me dont you edward

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Do you want a shot glass or not

 

**you know, nya:** ok i’ll be good

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @ling yaoi )

  
  
  


**ninja clan here we stand:** ling?

 

**ling yaoi:** Lan?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** question

 

**ling yaoi:** Shoot

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** its kind of serious

 

**ling yaoi:** Are you okay? Do you need me to come over?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** no its easier over text

 

**ling yaoi:** Okay…

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** well

**ninja clan here we stand:** i know i said when i first came out that any pronouns were fine but

**ninja clan here we stand:** what would you say if i said i wanted to start going by they/them pronouns

 

**ling yaoi:** You don’t need to be all hypothetical with me, Lan Fan

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** fine

**ninja clan here we stand:** i want to start going by they/them pronouns

 

**ling yaoi:** Then I’ll start referring to you with they/them pronouns

**ling yaoi:** No question

**ling yaoi:** And hey, I’m really proud of you

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ...why?

 

**ling yaoi:** Because I imagine it’s not easy asking for something like that

**ling yaoi:** Not that I think it’s an imposition. It absolutely isn’t

**ling yaoi:** But when I came out to you, I was terrified, even though deep down I knew you’d take it well

**ling yaoi:** So, I’m proud of you.

**ling yaoi:** And if I slip up and accidentally call you she or her, I’ll buy you a meal that day

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** you dont have to do that

 

**ling yaoi:** I do and I will

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** thanks…

**ninja clan here we stand:** do you 

**ninja clan here we stand:** want to come over?

 

**ling yaoi:** Yeah, I do 

**ling yaoi:** Should I bring over my ATLA box set? Been a while since we’ve watched it

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** yes please

 

**ling yaoi:** On my way ♡

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** …

**ninja clan here we stand:** ♡

  
  


 

* * *

  
  


**Rolls Royce Hate Group** ( #announcements )

  
  


**ninja clan here we stand:** hey

**ninja clan here we stand:** im gonna go by they/them pronouns from now on so

**ninja clan here we stand:** just

**ninja clan here we stand:** yeah

 

**you know, nya:** no prob bob

**you know, nya:** love ya kiddo

 

**all i do is win:** I’ll practice using they/them pronouns for you in my head so I’ll get it right the next time I see you!

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** thank you guys…

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Don’t be afraid to kick my ass if I ever get it wrong

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** like id ever hesitate to kick your ass

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Heh

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** We support you, Lan Fan!!

**Neko Al-tsume:** Both when it comes to exploring your identity and kicking Ed’s ass

 

**princess_panda:** Love you Lan Fan ♡

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Damn, of all the times for Ling to be offline...

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** its ok hes asleep on my bedroom floor

**ninja clan here we stand:** weve been watching atla for the past few hours

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah that sounds like him alright

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Falls asleep whenever you try to watch anything with him

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** anyway 

**ninja clan here we stand:** thanks guys

 

**all i do is win:** ♡

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** ♡

 

**princess_panda:** ♡

 

**you know, nya:** ♡

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ugh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** ♡

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ♡

  
  


 

* * *

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @ling yaoi )

  
  
  


**ninja clan here we stand:** ling you left your hoodie

 

**ling yaoi:** Aw man I knew I was forgetting something

**ling yaoi:** Oh well. I’m too lazy to get it right now

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** of course

**ninja clan here we stand:** you must need a lot of rest after such a long day of resting 

**ninja clan here we stand:** in the middle of my floor

 

**ling yaoi:** Is that sass?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** what if it were

 

**ling yaoi:** So hypothetical today 

**ling yaoi:** If you  _ were _ sassing me (instead of expressing genuine concern for my well being which obviously you are)

**ling yaoi:** I’d counter by positing that you actually like it when I pass out on your bedroom floor

**ling yaoi:** _And_ when I leave behind hoodies for you to steal

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** id say thats wishful thinking

 

**ling yaoi:** I’d say I’m not so sure about that

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** id say youre full of it

 

**ling yaoi:** I’d say I’m full of Rice Krispies and love

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** and ruptured organs if you keep this up

 

**ling yaoi:** Touchy!

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** im kidding 

**ninja clan here we stand:** you know i…

 

**ling yaoi:** I know you…?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** …

**ninja clan here we stand:** ugh forget it

 

**ling yaoi:** Lan Faaaaaaaaaaan

**ling yaoi:** Tell me

**ling yaoi:** I won’t laugh even if it’s embarrassing

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** i dont believe you

**ninja clan here we stand:** and whatever it wasnt important anyway

 

**ling yaoi:** If you say so

**ling yaoi:** But now I’m going to be curious and frustrated for the rest of the evening

**ling yaoi:** So if you can handle having that on your conscience, then fine, be that way!

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** drama queen

  
  


 

* * *

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @ling yaoi )

  
  
  


**ninja clan here we stand:** i appreciate you being there for me

 

  
  


* * *

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @ling yaoi )

  
  
  


**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Ling dong ding dong

 

**ling yaoi:** You rang? 

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** We still on for the park later?

 

**ling yaoi:** Ah, I don’t know

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** You don’t know? What’s that supposed to mean?

 

**ling yaoi:** I have a lot on my mind

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Aw, the trust fund kid’s having issues? Need a shoulder to cry on?

 

**ling yaoi:** Maybe.

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Oh. I was just kidding

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** But it’s that bad, huh?

 

**ling yaoi:** Kind of

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Well shit, kid

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** What’s eating you? Lady troubles? Boy problems?

 

**ling yaoi:** Ha

**ling yaoi:** Neither, actually

**ling yaoi:** Well, maybe boy problems and

**ling yaoi:** Nonbinary person problems

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Let me guess

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Goldilocks and the Karate Kid?

 

**ling yaoi:** I hate that I know exactly who you mean

**ling yaoi:** And the fact that you’re right

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** You can’t keep anything from me, bud

 

**ling yaoi:** Oh, great

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** So what happened?

 

**ling yaoi:** Nothing  _ happened _

**ling yaoi:** I’ve just been thinking

**ling yaoi:** I’m too indecisive

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** You like both of them or what?

 

**ling yaoi:** I guess?

**ling yaoi:** With Ed it’s like I don’t know if I still love him or if I’m just feeling sentimental

**ling yaoi:** And I’m pretty sure I like Lan Fan

**ling yaoi:** But eventually I’ll have to make a choice or I’ll lose them both

**ling yaoi:** At least, assuming  _ one _ of them likes me back, which I’m not so sure about

**ling yaoi:** It’s possible they both just see me as a friend

**ling yaoi:** In which case I’ve already lost them both anyway

**ling yaoi:** Ha

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Christ, kid

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Just ‘cause they might not like you the way you like them doesn’t mean they’re out of your life forever

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** You haven’t “lost” anyone

 

**ling yaoi:** I guess that’s true

**ling yaoi:** Still hurts

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** You know

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** I  _ was _ kidding, but that “shoulder to cry on” offer still stands if you really need it

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Hell, it’s not like I got anything better to do since  _ you _ are apparently bailing on our plans from before

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** I could take you to get a happy meal or something instead of the park

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Let a sweaty cheeseburger soak up your tears

 

**ling yaoi:** Aw bro

**ling yaoi:** Actually, you know what, I could go for some nuggets

**ling yaoi:** You’re a good guy, Rich

**ling yaoi:** Oops, I mean ~ Greed ~

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** It’s my brand, kid

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** And yeah, yeah, don’t blow a gasket 

 

**ling yaoi:** Oh hey, before I forget

**ling yaoi:** Me and my sis are gonna have the house to ourselves next week, so we’re throwing a party

**ling yaoi:** Wanna come?

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Oh shit

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** I’ll finally get to use your pool

 

**ling yaoi:** If it’s warm enough, yeah

 

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Well in that case

**AVARIGHTEOUS:** Sure thing, Dingaling

 

**ling yaoi:** Ugh

**ling yaoi:** Curse this easily pun-able name of mine

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


2 DAYS LATER

  
  


**Rolls Royce Hate Group** ( #shenanigan. just one )

  
  
  


**you know, nya:** @ling yaoi do we needa bring anything for the party tomorrow?

 

**ling yaoi:** Depends if you’re planning on crashing here or not

 

**you know, nya:** oh ya definitely, i cant come home to my dad turnt lmao

 

**all i do is win:** Same here, Granny still thinks I only drink at the house

 

**ling yaoi:** That’s cute

**ling yaoi:** Anyway, there are enough sofas and guest beds so that no one will have to sleep on the floor

**ling yaoi:** So really all you need is a change of clothes and a toothbrush

 

**you know, nya:** finally we will be able to observe ling in his natural, bourgeois habitat

**you know, nya:** tell me, how many bathrooms do you have?

 

**ling yaoi:** Well, there’s one to each bedroom, plus one on each floor

**ling yaoi:** Soooo 6?

 

**all i do is win:** I just came

 

**ling yaoi:** _Winry!_

**ling yaoi:** I am shocked and appalled

**ling yaoi:** Oh, right, one more thing

**ling yaoi:** It might be too cold for the pool, but we can definitely use the jacuzzi if you want

**ling yaoi:** So bring a swimsuit if you’re interested

 

**you know, nya:** hey ling do you think your dad would adopt me if i asked nicely 

 

**ling yaoi:** Oh he’s already got an abundance of biological children he doesn’t want

**ling yaoi:** So that’s a hard no

  
**you know, nya:** worth a shot

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt like ive been neglecting lan fan and couldnt live with myself any longer
> 
> also, i was This fucking close to naming greed "greg" and calling it a day but decided on rich instead because. get it? "rich"? like money? like greedy? look man its the best i could do
> 
> also winry's granny works in a bio-engineering lab and designs prostheses (this probly won't come up in this fic but in this au, like in canon, she was the one who gave ed an arm and a leg). hohenheim has a phd in like everything and is probably working as a philosophy professor rn while publishing books and pursuing new research topics like a fucking nerd
> 
> ausserdem: yogurette ist fucking gut alter. ritter sport auch, vor allem haselnuss
> 
> (und weil ich das gefuehl hab dass jemand mich fragen wird: nein, ich bin nicht deutsch. ich komm urspruenglich aus der schweiz, hab aber an ner deutschen schule in den USA, die ich seit dem kindergarten besucht hab, mein abi gemacht. was geht)


	6. pick up, pick up and start again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **bite my shiny metal arm:** So tell me about the party  
>  **bite my shiny metal arm:** Are people wearing lampshades on their heads? Does everyone have a red solo cup?  
>  **bite my shiny metal arm:** Paint me a word picture
> 
> **all i do is win:** Youve been listening to too much TAZ
> 
> **bite my shiny metal arm:** NO SUCH THING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "grudges" by paramore

**Direct Message** ( @bite my shiny metal arm )

  
  
  


**all i do is win:** Edward, son of Hohenheim

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Regrettably.

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And what am I, a Lord of the Rings character?

 

**all i do is win:** Well youte a pretty blond so you couod be an elf

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh…

 

**all i do is win:** Buuuuut youer also really short so maybe a hobbit

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You just had to ruin it didn’t you

**bite my shiny metal arm:** So what’s up? You completely shit-faced?

 

**all i do is win:** Mmmm 8.5

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Is that your blood alcohol content?

 

**all i do is win:** PSDHHHH NO

**all i do is win:** Its my drunkness level out of 10

**all i do is win:** I think if my bac was that high id be dead by the end of this sentennce

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, probably haha

**bite my shiny metal arm:** So tell me about the party

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Are people wearing lampshades on their heads? Does everyone have a red solo cup?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Paint me a word picture

 

**all i do is win:** Youve been listening to too much TAZ

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** NO SUCH THING

 

**all i do is win:** Shh quiet im painting a word pictuew for you

**all i do is win:** I need sillence for my creatuve spirit to flourish

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You spend most of your free time in your garage blasting Swedish viking metal at 1000 decibels and Macgyver-ing space shuttles out of car scraps you find in the junkyard

 

**all i do is win:** SILELENCE

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT

 

**all i do is win:** Ling climbed on top of the kitchen island to do a strip tease and Greed sat bakck anad wolf whistled at him for a few minutes while Paninya showered him in monolpoly money befofe finally bringing hilm down 

**all i do is win:** Mei tried a sip of beer anbd a hit from a joint but she absolutlely hated it so she’s likebtthe only sober one here besides Greed (I thinkk he’s sober? He’s soberer than me thats for sure)

**all i do is win:** Lan Fan is basically comatose with their head in my lap stari gn at the ceiling fan but every now andt hen they’ll grunt and i’ll feed them a dorito

**all i do is win:** While Mei paints their toenails

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Wow

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Your word picture painting skills are too powerful

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I have a headache just from reading that

 

**all i do is win:** It’s fun though!

**all i do is win:** I got to use ling’s jaccuzzi

**all i do is win:** Im still all pruney

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I bet you look like Granny

 

**all i do is win:** LOL

**all i do is win:** My hands kinds do but the rest of me is still young and ebeautiful

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Mmmm, subjective

 

**all i do is win:** HEY don’t be rude

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s not rude if it’s true

 

**all i do is win:** YOJRE UGLY

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Heeeeey, what happened to “pretty blond”?

 

**all i do is win:** RESCINDED

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Aw shit

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What will I do now?

 

**all i do is win:** Pee youe pants 

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Lmao, maybe not that

 

**all i do is win:** Pee them!!!!!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** WINRY I CAN’T PISS ON COMMAND

 

**all i do is win:** PEE NOW

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** AAAAAAAHH!!!

 

**all i do is win:** Uh oh Ling is taking his clothes off again

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** That’s never good

 

**all i do is win:** Mmmm, subjective

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Whoa what??

 

**all i do is win:** Well im not like into him or anything but he has nice arms

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Arms huh

 

**all i do is win:** Yea lik e all the martial arts are really paying off

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Guess so...

 

**all i do is win:** You have nice arms too

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ha. Even the metal one?

 

**all i do is win:** ESPECISLLY the metal one

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Pffft 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Okay, weirdo

 

**all i do is win:** Its truuuuueeeee

**all i do is win:** Biceps

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Uh

 

**all i do is win:** B I C E P S

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Lol

**bite my shiny metal arm:** *flexes*

 

**all i do is win:** SWOON

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Fjgkskcndkg

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Okay Win, it’s like 4am over there 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You should all get to bed soon

 

**all i do is win:** Get to bread ?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Bread bed

 

**all i do is win:** Ok that is genuis actually

**all i do is win:** You go to sleep in a giannt bread roll and then you eat your way out in the morning

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hell yeah sign me up

 

**all i do is win:** Breakfast in bed? More like braekfast IS bed

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** LMAO

**bite my shiny metal arm:** GOOD ONE

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But seriously, get some sleep soon

 

**all i do is win:** O k dad

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Don’t be gross

 

**all i do is win:** :P

**all i do is win:** Ok ok i’ll go

**all i do is win:** Have fun give Al a smooch from me

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** ...I’ll give him a brotherly pat on the head

 

**all i do is win:** Fair enoughg

**all i do is win:** Bye bye love you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Love you too, Win

  
  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  
  


**Direct Message** ( @bite my shiny metal arm ) 

  
  
  


**ling yaoi:** Edward my friend!

**ling yaoi:** How is berlik is berlin good is it so good?

**ling yaoi:** It sounds amazing based on what ive heard from you about it which is nothing

**ling yaoi:** Which im guessing is because youre super duper busy doing touristy things and getting me an applemansion or whatever the funny little traffic men are called

**ling yaoi:** It would be so cool if you just straigjt up stole a traffic light

**ling yaoi:** Remember wjen we used to do stupid stuff like that

**ling yaoi:** We were so angry back then and we did sucj stupid tjings

**ling yaoi:** Remember wjen we got drunk akd stole that street sign

**ling yaoi:** I still have that

**ling yaoi:** Central avenue, its hanging rihht above my bed

**ling yaoi:** But you know that already sicne you helped me put it up

**ling yaoi:** And theb we made out for like hours because of the adrenaline

**ling yaoi:** Because stealing it seemed like such a grand adventur e at the time

**ling yaoi:** Whyd we even do that its just a stupid stree t sign

**ling yaoi:** Whyd we look at it and think “dope lets steal it”

**ling yaoi:** It has no practical use other than hangning above my bed and soemtimes falling on my head when i move arojnd in my sleep too much

**ling yaoi:** God it was fun though

**ling yaoi:** It was so stupid but god was it fun

**ling yaoi:** We were always up to something stupid

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Holy hell, Ling

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re fucking Gone aren’t you

 

**ling yaoi:** Oh!

**ling yaoi:** I didn’t expect you to actually anseer, forgot aboit the timezone thing haha

**ling yaoi:** Well to anawer your question: I am extreeeeemely crossfaded at the moment

**ling yaoi:** Like, this was a mistake

**ling yaoi:** Did a couple extra shots when Greed wasnt looking weeeeeeeee

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Dude you should like lay down

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Get Greed or Mei to take care of you

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Are you gonna be okay?

 

**ling yaoi:** Tisk tisk tisk! The question you sholud be asking is

**ling yaoi:** Are we?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What do you mean?

 

**ling yaoi:** Admittedly this is the absolute wrong way to talk abojt this particular topic, however

**ling yaoi:** Seeing as how i am juuuuuust a little bit of a coward i’ll do it anyway

**ling yaoi:** Edward ive been wondering if i still love you a little bit

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ling...

 

**ling yaoi:** And that wojld be confusing enough on its own but wait theres more

**ling yaoi:** Because Lan Fan is just 

**ling yaoi:** Fantastic

**ling yaoi:** Not that youre not fantastic its just different 

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Huh

 

**ling yaoi:** Its just that i keep remembering all tje dumb things you and me used to do

**ling yaoi:** We were always up to no good and i remember yoj specifically got into a lot of trouble witj mustang in those days

**ling yaoi:** And i think its because you and me we just

**ling yaoi:** Had a rificulous amount of Teen Angst

**ling yaoi:** Like im talking my chemical romance black parade levels of angst

**ling yaoi:** And our junior yesr is almost over and before we know it well be seniors ans then college students and its all happening so fast

**ling yaoi:** And I didnt know i was the sentimental tyoe before you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ling…

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Slow down man

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Before you say anything else, calm down

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s okay. You’re not the only one who feels like this

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s actually kind of a relief you brought this up because uh 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Lately I’ve been wondering if I’ve really gotten over you

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Or if I

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ugh. 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Love Winry

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Or some confusing combination of the two

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And Jesus shit we should really not be having this conversation while you’re high and drunk off your ass

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Fuck

 

**ling yaoi:** Fuck!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Look, Ling

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I think

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You made me feel like I was worth something at a time where literally the entire world seemed to be telling me I wasn’t

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You were annoying and careless and often insincere but when I pushed you, you’d push back

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And we just had this...synergy, you know?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I think we both needed that

**bite my shiny metal arm:** We were there for each other, often in like the most obnoxious way possible where we drove each other fucking nuts, but we were fucking  _ there _

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And shit with both of our dads was popping off and it felt like we’d been forgotten or left behind

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But you were always there even when I wanted you to piss off

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And I really needed that 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I...really loved you

 

**ling yaoi:** It kind of makes me sad but I think deciding to jusft be friends was the right chocie, you know?

**ling yaoi:** We had a good thing and i feel like if we hadnt quit qhile we were ahead it could have turnned bad

**ling yaoi:** Soemhow this feels liek a second breakup

**ling yaoi:** I dunno its hard to explain what i'm feeling right now

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, same here

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And I’m sober 

 

**ling yaoi:** God i have never been less sober in my life

**ling yaoi:** Anyway Edward no matter what youll always be important to me

**ling yaoi:** First looooooove

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Jesus Christ

**bite my shiny metal arm:** We should talk about this again when I get back

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s too important and I’m not sure you’ll even remember this in the morning

 

**ling yaoi:** Actually it Is the mornibg hahahha

**ling yaoi:** And I dont think ill forget this

**ling yaoi:** Its like you said. Too important

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Right

 

**ling yaoi:** Anyway donybo ywannab dfn

**ling yaoi:** Ffcuk g rkrleld

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** ???

 

**ling yaoi:** Damn, that brat is stronger than he looks

**ling yaoi:** Anyway

**ling yaoi:** Sup, Goldilocks

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Sigh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hey Greed

 

**ling yaoi:** Hahahaha

**ling yaoi:** What’s the matter, kid? Haven’t you missed me?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Sure whatever 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But I was in the middle of talking to Ling, so

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Give him back?

 

**ling yaoi:** No can do, unfortunately 

**ling yaoi:** As his bro it’s my responsibility to keep him from doing stupid, emotionally endangering shit 

**ling yaoi:** Like drunk texting his ex, for example

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Actually you know what, that’s fair

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Watch out for him, yeah?

 

**ling yaoi:** Always, little man

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ugh. Don’t call me that

 

**ling yaoi:** You got it, Rapunzel

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** WORSE

 

**ling yaoi:** Bahahahahaha

**ling yaoi:** Well kid it’s been real, but Ling is taking his clothes off again and doing the Hare Hare Yukai dance and I feel like I should probably do something about that

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** If by “do something” you mean “film it and send it to Edward”

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Then yes, absolutely

 

**ling yaoi:** HA! 

**ling yaoi:** I’ll see what I can do, blondie

**ling yaoi:** Catch ya later 

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Later, Greed

  
  
  


 

* * *

 

 

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @Neko Al-tsume )

  
  
  


**you know, nya:** al !

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Paninya!

 

**you know, nya:** everyones started going to bed and getting that sweet sweet post party depression and its a major downer yo

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Hmm, that does sound not great

 

**you know, nya:** yeah like most of it stems from the fact that most people here have come to the sobering realization that they have a bunch of unresolved relationship issues they need to work out

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Oof. Never good

**Neko Al-tsume:** Also, you’re surprisingly articulate for someone whose body is filled with all kinds of illicit substances

 

**you know, nya:** eh, only 2

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You’re valid

**Neko Al-tsume:** Oh wow, isn’t it like 4am there? I just woke up and you all are already going to bed 

 

**you know, nya:** timezones am i right

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Yup

**Neko Al-tsume:** Anyway, need something?

 

**you know, nya:** just a conversation with someone who isn't being all weird and whiny!!

**you know, nya:** i’d talk to greed but he’s tucking ling in like the secret softie he is

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Not much of a secret, honestly

**Neko Al-tsume:** And thank you for choosing me in your time of need, I am honored

**Neko Al-tsume:** How’s Mei doing? Haven’t heard from her

 

**you know, nya:** she and lan both passed the fuck out a few minutes ago

**you know, nya:** they’re curled up on the couch together, it's cute

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Aww, pure

 

**you know, nya:** i dragged win into one of the guest rooms. she demanded i share a bed with her, i think she’s lonely

**you know, nya:** she was mumbling about ed earlier but i think she’s asleep now

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Sigh

**Neko Al-tsume:** How long until they start going out do you think

 

**you know, nya:** it could be a while, they’re both very dumb no offense to your bro

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Ed’s kind of a genius academically but behaves like a total dumbass 70% of the time so dw none taken

 

**you know, nya:** maybe we should start a betting pool

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Okay why is everyone in our friend group’s first response to any recent development placing bets??

 

**you know, nya:** i like money and i’m always right

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Alright, well.

**Neko Al-tsume:** I’m sure one of those things is true

 

**you know, nya:** anyway how is berlin

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Kinda rainy, but still really cool

**Neko Al-tsume:** We’ve been biking everywhere

 

**you know, nya:** those wacky europeans

**you know, nya:** with their bikes and their

**you know, nya:** universal health care

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** The nerve

**Neko Al-tsume:** Good bread though

 

**you know, nya:** holy FUCK i love bread

**you know, nya:** thanks a lot al im not gonna be able to sleep because of my insatiable breadlust

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Oh dear

**Neko Al-tsume:** Your life is a black abyss

 

**you know, nya:** woe is me

**you know, nya:** alright al thanks for distracting me from winry’s snoring but i actually think my eyes will dry out and shrivel up like raisins unless i close them like rn

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Sweet dreams, panini

**Neko Al-tsume:** *Paninya

**Neko Al-tsume:** Agh. Autocorrect, you know how it is

 

**you know, nya:** autocorrect knows whats up

**you know, nya:** you are what you eat

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Amen

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look who finally decided on at least one endgame ship! are you proud of me?
> 
> so to explain myself a bit, i kind of based ling's relationship in this au off of what i would want for them in canon: a fun fling at some point during the adventure, an amicable break up, and then a kickass friendship.
> 
> anyway i know some of you were probably hoping for endgame edling and if thats the case. please dont send me angry/sad/disappointed messages about it. i love edling to death but i felt like this was the right choice for the story.
> 
> thanks for reading!


	7. unfortunately, life goes on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **bite my shiny metal arm:** Do you take constructive criticism
> 
> **ling yaoi:** As a matter of fact, I do not
> 
> **bite my shiny metal arm:** Verbal abuse it is then  
>  **bite my shiny metal arm:** That fucking sucked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "not the end of the world" by faded paper figures

**Ray Mazda Hate Group** ( #shenanigan. just one. )

  
  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** SOLID GROUND

**bite my shiny metal arm:** COMFORTABLE BED

**bite my shiny metal arm:** AMERICAN RADIO

**bite my shiny metal arm:** FREEDOM!!!

**bite my shiny metal arm:** USA! USA! USA!

 

**all i do is win:** Back from the airport?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Yup

**Neko Al-tsume:** So nice to be home after a 9 hour flight

 

**you know, nya:** what movies did yall watch

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Motherfucking Lego Batman

**bite my shiny metal arm:** That shit rules

 

**ling yaoi:** Careful, your latent desire for a loving father figure is showing

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hello, pot. My name is kettle

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’re black

 

**ling yaoi:** Touché

 

**all i do is win:** Aaaah you guys being back is really making the fact that spring break is almost over sink in

**all i do is win:** You’re like the harbingers of death

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** GEE THANKS WIN, MISSED YOU TOO

 

**you know, nya:** go back to lederhosen land, dummkopfs

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I don’t think that’s right

 

**you know, nya:** im a simple guy al

**you know, nya:** i need to know a german word to roast you with, i use google translate

 

**princess_panda:** AL YOU'RE BACK!!!!

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** MEI I’M BACK!!!!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh god here we go

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Can you two keep it in your DM’s for once

 

**you know, nya:** edward elric is allergic to love pass it on

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Cool awesome good to be back I hate all of you

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** oh the elrics are back

**ninja clan here we stand:** welcome home

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Thank you, Lan Fan 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** At least SOMEONE here isn’t an asshole

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** rittersport

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** i was promised rittersport

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** OH I SEE HOW IT IS

**bite my shiny metal arm:** “WELCOME BACK ED NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN NOW HAND OVER THE LOOT”

 

**ling yaoi:** Ed, don’t be ridiculous

**ling yaoi:** Nobody said it was nice to see you again

 

**you know, nya:** GKKEKFSKFKDKFKDLGLDLGLLGSKF

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** DIE

  
  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


**Ray Mazda Hate Group** ( #shenanigan. just one. )

  
  
  


**all i do is win:** It is. Too fucking early

**all i do is win:** It’s barely light out

**all i do is win:** Surely being forced to wake up this early is like

**all i do is win:** Some kind of human rights violation

 

**you know, nya:** i have the constitutional right to the pursuit of happiness and that means never ever leaving my bed ever

 

**ling yaoi:** The English vocabulary is nowhere near expansive enough to even begin to describe how unenthusiastic I am about going back to school 

**ling yaoi:** But since other languages aren’t really an option I’ll give it my best shot:

**ling yaoi:** I fucking hate this

 

**princess_panda:** Seconded

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** thirded

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I am so fucking tired

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Jet lag is literally killing me

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Get out of bed or we’re gonna be late

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Not to be dramatic but I would literally rather stick my metal arm in a blender and drink the resulting shrapnel than take a single step outside my room today

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Well to get to the blender you need to go to the kitchen so it looks like you’re screwed no matter what

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Dammit

 

**all i do is win:** Idk if this is much of an incentive for anyone but I did bake an apple pie last night to share with you guys

 

**you know, nya:** I’M UP

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** JET LAG BE DAMNED I’M GOING TO SCHOOL

 

**ling yaoi:** Winry I think I’m in love with you

 

**princess_panda:** Me too, sorry Al

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Honestly that’s fair

 

**all i do is win:** Wait until you actually taste it before breaking up with your SO’s guys

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** WHAT DO WE WANT???

 

**ling yaoi:** PIES

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** WHEN DO WE WANT EM???

 

**ling yaoi:** PIES

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


**Direct Message** ( @ling yaoi )

  
  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hey

**bite my shiny metal arm:** After school today…

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You got time to talk?

 

**ling yaoi:** Yeah, I asked Lan Fan to take Mei to karate today so I’m all open

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Cool

**bite my shiny metal arm:** So uh, see you in a bit

 

**ling yaoi:** Yeah

  
  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


 

**Direct Message** ( @Neko Al-tsume )

  
  
  


**princess_panda:** Alphooooooonse ♡♡♡

**princess_panda:** I’m so excited to finally see you again!!

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Me too

**Neko Al-tsume:** I miss you so much

 

**princess_panda:** Hehehehe

**princess_panda:** How much? ^///^

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** So much that I may have gone overboard and bought you so many souvenirs that I had to bring a second bag for them

 

**princess_panda:** ALLLLLLLLLLLL

**princess_panda:** Nooooo don’t spend so much money on me !!

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** But I want to!

**Neko Al-tsume:** Besides, I think you actually like it, princess

 

**princess_panda:** The noise I just made startled Lan Fan so much they stopped the car for a second skkgkdgkekgkrkfmt

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You’re so cute

 

**princess_panda:** Heheheheheh ♡♡♡

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** ♡♡♡

 

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


**Ray Mazda** **Hate Group** ( @shenanigan. just one.)

  
  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** You know, after reading Win’s pie announcement, I was like

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Actually? Maybe today won’t be so bad

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Even when I ran into Colonel Mustang in the hall, I said to myself

**bite my shiny metal arm:** “Keep an open mind, Ed. Stay posi.”

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I was ready to just nod in greeting like usual and be on my merry way, no harm done

**bite my shiny metal arm:** ...

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And then he spoke.

 

**ling yaoi:** That’s never good

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** He sucked my very life force from my body with just a few words

**bite my shiny metal arm:** “Been keeping up with your homework over spring break, Elric?”

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And in my sleep-deprived state I may have uh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Maybe not exercised enough restraint?

 

**ling yaoi:** Edward? Impulsive?? Imagine my shock

 

**all i do is win:** Oh god. What did you do.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Well 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I looked up at his smarmy, douchey smirk

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And said, in the kind of emotionally void, deadpan tone that can only be achieved by a combination of debilitating jet lag, existential dread, and a 0 tolerance policy for bullshit this early in the morning

**bite my shiny metal arm:** “I dunno, Colonel, you been keeping up with your nightly runs to shitty fast food joints and hassling cashiers when they get your order wrong?”

 

**all i do is win:** Oh my god Ed you DIDN’T

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** He did. I was there.

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But wait there’s more

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I uh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** May have called his fashion choices into question?

 

**all i do is win:** ED HE’S A TEACHER

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I KNOW OK I KNOW

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** “Called his fashion choices into question” is pretty damn generous to yourself, Ed

**Neko Al-tsume:** You looked down at his shoes and said, “Oh, no crocs today?”

 

**you know, nya:** EDWARD EDW ADNDKDKFNKFKDMFF

 

**all i do is win:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

**ling yaoi:** WOW THAT’S SO BAD

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** IT JUST SLIPPED OUT

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Directly after he said it I could just See Ed’s soul leaving his body in remorse

**Neko Al-tsume:** Like he knew instantly that that was a bad move

**Neko Al-tsume:** And then just walked away with this horrible vacant expression like he was still processing what he’d just done

 

**all i do is win:** WHAT DID MUSTANG SAY

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** He just stood there for a moment, completely frozen

**Neko Al-tsume:** I think he could not believe that a student actually just talked to him that way, even if it was Ed

**Neko Al-tsume:** And I think he might not even have gotten what Ed was talking about at first

**Neko Al-tsume:** But then suddenly he kind of put his hands over his eyes and let out this grim, defeated sigh

**Neko Al-tsume:** And under his breath he just went, “Oh god. The fire alarm girl.”

 

**you know, nya:** GLDKGLDLLGDLGLF ME BITCH!!!!!!!!

**you know, nya:** HE REALLY DOES JUST REMEMBER ME AS THE GIRL WHO PULLED THE FIRE ALARM THAT ONE TIME

**you know, nya:** MY LEGACY

 

**ling yaoi:** Holy SHIT

 

**all i do is win:** Oh my god

**all i do is win:** Oh my GOD, Ed

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I know.

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I did damage control as best I could but really Ed I think you just ruined his whole life

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I guess we’re even then

 

**princess_panda:** Edward...what if you just bitched your way out of that letter of recommendation??

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh Fuck

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I forgot about that

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh no. Do I have to like

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Kiss Mustang’s ass to get in his good graces again

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Because I’d rather die

 

**ling yaoi:** Like you were ever in his good graces to begin with

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hell I’d settle for tolerant graces at this point

 

**all i do is win:** Ok ok ok so I know this seems bad

**all i do is win:** Because it is

**all i do is win:** But if you think about it, is it honestly worse than shit you’ve said to him before?

**all i do is win:** You guys have been giving each other hell since like 9th grade. You’ve gotten away with worse

**all i do is win:** I don’t really think he’s like. Actually offended. You’d have to do something pretty shitty to get him lastingly mad at you

**all i do is win:** He may actually be more angry with Paninya in all honesty

 

**you know, nya:** the fire alarm thing was like a YEAR ago

**you know, nya:** I DID MY TIME

 

**all i do is win:** I meant more about the whole “spreading word of his nocturnal excursions to KFC” thing

 

**you know, nya:** ah yeah that

**you know, nya:** that i may still have to atone for

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** God dammit at this rate it’ll be ages before we get to put Operation Egg into practice 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Too risky rn

 

**ling yaoi:** Is that what we’re calling it?

**ling yaoi:** That’s not very creative

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Come up with something better then

 

**ling yaoi:** What if we make it an acronym?

**ling yaoi:** Operation E.G.G.

 

**all i do is win:** I like the look but what does it stand for?

 

**ling yaoi:** Hmmm

**ling yaoi:** Eggs Get Gross

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Do you take constructive criticism

 

**ling yaoi:** As a matter of fact, I do not

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Verbal abuse it is then

**bite my shiny metal arm:** That fucking sucked

 

**you know, nya:** GKDKKGKEGLLLE

**you know, nya:** damn ed you're cold today

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’m fucking tired is what I am

 

**all i do is win:** I’m omw in now, I’ll let you have what’s left of my macchiato if you want

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Nah you keep it

 

**all i do is win:** You sure?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, you probably need it as much as I do

 

**all i do is win:** If you say so

 

**you know, nya:** oh god mustang’s walking toward me and he looks PISSED 

**you know, nya:** ATONEMENT TIME CAME SOONER THAN I THOUGHT

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Oh no

 

**princess_panda:** OH NO 

 

**all i do is win:** Nice knowing you, Paninya

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** i just got out of my car and already wanna get back in and leave

**ninja clan here we stand:** whens summer break

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I think our last day is like May 31st or something but don’t quote me on that

 

**ling yaoi:** It can’t come soon enough

 

**princess_panda:** Man...post spring break depression is the worst

**princess_panda:** Wait Winry I think I see you

**princess_panda:** Any chance I could have a sip of that macchiato you mentioned?

 

**all i do is win:** Sure thing Mei

**all i do is win:** Ah there you are, coming 

  
  
  


**you know, nya:** uh guys

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Oh, you’re alive

**Neko Al-tsume:** How was your talk with Mustang?

 

**you know, nya:** surprising

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Did uh. Did I come up at all 

 

**you know, nya:** you did not

**you know, nya:** but i have some interesting developments to share with you all

**you know, nya:** some fresh deets on colonel crabby crocs

 

**all i do is win:** Wow I really hate that nickname

 

**you know, nya:** look we’re running out of car brand names that start with m it’s time to branch out

 

**ling yaoi:** What are the developments?

 

**you know, nya:** alright so

**you know, nya:** i’m standing there

 

**all i do is win:** Barbecue sauce on your titties

 

**you know, nya:** barbecue sauce on my titties

**you know, nya:** when the colonel marches over

**you know, nya:** and you could just Tell he’s on a mission, like this man is tearing through the crowd of teens in the hall like they’re lush foliage and he’s on some kinda rainforest safari

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I thought safaris were like a savannah thing, not a rainforest thing

 

**you know, nya:** just let me TELL the STORY

**you know, nya:** SO

**you know, nya:** i’ve just closed my locker to prevent an avalanche of books from killing me when mustang walks up

**you know, nya:** and he goes “hey, lecoulte” all gruff and authoritative-like

**you know, nya:** and i almost - ALMOST - went “just ‘fire alarm girl’ is fine” but since i have a little more self restraint than our resident freudian slip and slide i just said “sup”

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Fuck you!

 

**you know, nya:** and mustang kinda like looks both ways and leans in closer in this weird conspiratorial manner

**you know, nya:** and he goes “so, about the other night”

**you know, nya:** “you mean when we ran into each other at KFC?”

**you know, nya:** “yeah. that. i hadn’t...realized you were listening to me then.”

**you know, nya:** and at this point i'm like oh shit he’s gonna ceremoniously hand my ass to me for spilling the beans about his crocs and stubble and shitty eating habits to you guys

**you know, nya:** but INSTEAD

**you know, nya:** he goes, “how much did you hear?” in this really clandestine, no-bullshit voice

**you know, nya:** and i go “uh. i heard you talking to the cashier? is that what you mean?”

**you know, nya:** and he like tenses up and is like “what  _ specifically _ did you hear?”

**you know, nya:** and i was kinda panicking like oh shit did i overhear some kinda secret gangster deal going down or something??

**you know, nya:** is my favorite KFC a front for the mob?????

**you know, nya:** WHAT is colonel sanders hiding???? WHY is he always smiling like that???? do you know something i don’t???? do you????????

**you know, nya:** and i go “uhhh i don’t remember? like, i heard they got your order wrong i think”

**you know, nya:** and he kinda blinks and is like, “so you didn’t hear me mention any…” and trailed off ???

**you know, nya:** and i just kinda stood there while he like sighed in relief 

**you know, nya:** and i said “what?”

**you know, nya:** and he said, “don’t worry about it, just forget it.” and walked away

**you know, nya:** he did however glare back at me at one point and say “and don’t pull any more fire alarms!”

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Whoa…

 

**all i do is win:** A lot to unpack here…

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What the hell is his deal

 

**ling yaoi:** Obviously he’s hiding something more embarrassing than arguing with a KFC cashier

**ling yaoi:** Which is honestly pretty hard to imagine

 

**princess_panda:** Maybe it has to do with his secret romance with Hawkeye??? :000

 

**you know, nya:** +_+

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** OH COME ON

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What connection could there POSSIBLY be??

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** speaking of hawkeye it looks like shes out sick today 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ive got catalina as a sub and shes asking us if any of our dads are hot rich and single

 

**you know, nya:** I LOVE HER

**you know, nya:** she caught me ditching class on the roof once and sat down and joined me

**you know, nya:** we lamented how utterly single we are over a bag of veggie sticks

 

**princess_panda:** She complimented my hair one time!!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’m still not convinced she has a valid teaching license

 

**all i do is win:** Who even cares, she’s awesome

 

**you know, nya:** ANYWAY

**you know, nya:** everyone keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior from the colonel alright??

**you know, nya:** gotta get to the bottom of whatever this is

 

**all i do is win:** It’s probably something completely mundane tbh

**all i do is win:** If it was something bad why wouldn’t he have confronted you at the KFC?

 

**ling yaoi:** Because he probably didn’t realize then that Paninya was even listening

**ling yaoi:** And if that were the case it would have been weird to confront her about it

**ling yaoi:** But now not only does he know she was listening, he knows she told people

**ling yaoi:** And evidently it worries him to the point that makes me question if he was really just bitching at a cashier…

**ling yaoi:** …or perhaps up to something more nefarious?

 

**you know, nya:** ROY MUSTANG MOB BOSS CONFIRMED 

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** IT’S NOT THAT

 

**ling yaoi:** It might be

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** IT’S LITERALLY NOT???

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Well, everyone just keep an eye out I guess

**Neko Al-tsume:** It could be nothing, but it might be something fun

 

**you know, nya:** do i have to go into the witness protection program

 

**ling yaoi:** Probably. You can never be too careful

 

**you know, nya:** ok cool from now on my name is countess boochie flagrante

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** How have I not murdered you yet

 

**you know, nya:** honestly i’m not sure

  
  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


 

**Direct Message** ( @ling yaoi )

  
  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** Just got out of history

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Where are you?

 

**ling yaoi:** I’m up on the roof already

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, me too

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t see

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Hey

 

**ling yaoi:** Hey

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the plot thickens. for seemingly no reason.
> 
> anyway finals are kicking my ass so i think this chapter ended up a little short rip


	8. 15 reading homestuck on the internet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **all i do is win:** Hey  @everyone wanna see Paninya’s nsfw Undertale fic from 2015 starring herself and Undyne?
> 
> **bite my shiny metal arm:** DO I EVER!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title from "15 reading homestuck on the internet" by atlas. 
> 
> yeah.

**To:** **Maes Hughes**

 

Edward sassed me today.

  
  


**From:** **Maes Hughes**

 

WHAT?!

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

That’s astounding! In fact it reminds me of a groundbreaking discovery I just made

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Now try not to be too shocked when I tell you this

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

You’re not holding a cup of coffee or anything, are you?

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

I can already tell the punchline of this joke isn’t gonna be worth the endless preamble, so just spit it out already.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Did you know

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

That when snow melts

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

...Are you sure you’re ready for this? Because I’m not sure you’re ready for this

 

**From:** **Maes Hughes**

 

It BOGGLES the MIND

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Hughes.

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

When snow melts…

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

It BECOMES. WATER.

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Great. Just as enlightening as I expected. Thanks for that.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Still not as surprising as Edward SASSING you! Stop the presses!

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

You mean to tell me that TEENAGERS have ATTITUDE?!

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Are you YANKING my CHAIN?!

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Yeah, that’s right. Now I’m gonna strangle you with it.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Kinky!

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Careful, Roy-boy, I’m a married man now

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Hughes for the love of God.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Every conversation with you feels like when you walk into a room to get something but then get distracted and forget what you came for.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

You’re so disorienting.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Like a human corn maze.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

I guess

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

One could say

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Oh God. Don’t.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

That I’m

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Stop.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

A corn MAES

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

I think

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

That I died long ago, and that you are my eternal punishment.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

I think that you are just in a bad mood because you realized you’re not hip with the kids

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Oh, so you’re done with the dad jokes now? We’re actually going to have a human conversation?

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

So I’m right?

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

You’re on the right track.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

At the very least, the train hasn’t completely derailed and destroyed the entire town just yet.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Oh goodie!

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

So, what did you do to invoke Edward’s ire this time?

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

First of all, I resent the implication that his temper is my fault.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Second, all I did was ask if he’s been keeping up with his assignments over spring break.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Then suddenly I’m being ridiculed for going to KFC at ungodly hours of the night in the comfort of my crocs.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Wait, do kids not like crocs?!

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Evidently not!

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

What the hell?! Crocs are so comfortable!

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Right?

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Alright, well, footwear aside, the KFC thing isn’t really your fault

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

If you hadn’t gone you might’ve gotten your head bitten off

  
  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Tell me about it.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

When I double-checked my order and saw that they got it wrong I just about had a heart-attack.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Well, it wouldn’t be the first time someone got a heart attack from KFC.

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Ha-ha.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

It ended up fine. I explained my dire situation to the cashier and he fixed it.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

That girl you ran into there - the one that pulled the fire alarm - she didn’t overhear you, did she?

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Thankfully, no. I went to go do damage control today.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

I think I’m in the clear on that front.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Well that’s a relief!

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

So, how is Riza anyway?

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

She’s been sick as a dog lately.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

I didn’t realize it would be this intense…

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Pregnancy is probably THE most intense thing the human body can possibly experience

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Physically speaking, it’s downright traumatizing.

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Thanks, Hughes, you’re a real comfort.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Why should YOU be shielded from the harsh realities of pregnancy while your girlfriend is currently hunched over with her head stuck in a toilet bowl because of it?

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

No sympathy for women’s struggles! Typical male arrogance! Tut, tut!

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

What a cisnormative statement.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Some men can get pregnant. Some women can’t. 

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Alright, buster, you win this round!

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

I’ve awoken.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

...Do you mean “I’m woke”?

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

What? No.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

It’s “I’ve awoken.”

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

That’s not even grammatically correct.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Roy no, it’s “woke”

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

It’s like a slang thing

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

It sounds stupid. Mine’s better.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Looks like someone doesn’t get youth culture!

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

You know damn well you’re just as clueless about this stuff as I am.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Yeah well I don’t run around saying stuff like “I’ve awoken” so I think I’m still in the clear

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Or at the very least I’m in the gray

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

...He’s just such a brat sometimes.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

Edward, I mean.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

And it’s infuriating because he’s really a smart kid. I’ve never met anyone with more potential.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

But he wastes it on juvenile pranks and other nonsense. I offered to write him a letter of recommendation and he didn’t even thank me. And he hasn’t brought it up since.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

His exam scores are phenomenal, but he doesn’t do his homework unless it’s on something that he finds personally interesting.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

And he’s deep in the throes of his rebellious phase with no sign of emerging anytime soon.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

I think he needs to be pushed and I think on some level he knows that, but he doesn’t want to admit to me or himself that I’m right, so instead he just does things like put his classmates’ calculators in jello and hand in papers full of innuendos that are just subtle enough that I can’t call him on it without looking like a massive creep!

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Wow…

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

You should tell him all that.

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Well, maybe not all of it. But I think you should tell him about all the potential you see in him

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Who knows, maybe no one else ever has

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

I doubt he wants to hear it from me.

 

**To: Maes Hughes**

 

I’m his teacher, not his dad.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

Look Roy

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

I don’t think he’s forgotten about everything you did for him

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

The strings you pulled to keep him from getting himself expelled, the whole bathroom debacle…

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

And honestly, in a lot of ways, I think you were kind of a mentor to him

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

He’s a teenage boy, so he may have a funny way of showing it, but...

 

**From: Maes Hughes**

 

He looks up to you. I can tell.

  
  


**To: Maes Hughes**

 

...Considering his height, that’s not much of an accomplishment.

  
  


**From: Maes Hughes**

 

OUCH!

  
  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @bite my shiny metal arm )

  
  
  


**Neko Al-tsume:** How’d it go?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Jesus your timing is uncanny

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I literally just left the school 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Heading to the car now

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Should be at Winry’s to pick you up in like 20 mins

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You haven’t answered my question 

**Neko Al-tsume:** How did it go?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ugh, you’re so nosey

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It went well, alright? 

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** What did you guys talk about?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Basically the same stuff as the screenshots I showed you

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Only more sober

**bite my shiny metal arm:** And more permanent

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** I imagine it probably feels weird, but I’m glad it went well

**Neko Al-tsume:** And I’m proud of you

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s no big deal

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Okay well it’s not Not a big deal but 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh forget it

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Thanks, Al

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It. It feels good. To have everything out in the open, you know?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It kind of felt like I was constantly holding my breath around him up until now

**bite my shiny metal arm:** But now we’ve cleared the air and we can relax

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** That’s great, brother

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Alright, gotta drive. See you in a bit

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** See ya!

  
  


 

* * *

 

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @ninja clan here we stand )

  
  


**ling yaoi:** Hey Lan Fan?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** yeah?

**ninja clan here we stand:** are you ok? do you need me to come pick you up?

 

**ling yaoi:** Nah it’s cool, I’ll call an uber

**ling yaoi:** And yeah I’m fine

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** oh

**ninja clan here we stand:** good

**ninja clan here we stand:** so

 

**ling yaoi:** My talk with Ed went well

**ling yaoi:** Really well

**ling yaoi:** I actually haven’t felt this good in a long time

**ling yaoi:** Do you wanna hang out later? I want to see you

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** oh

**ninja clan here we stand:** yeah sure uh

**ninja clan here we stand:** your place or mine?

 

**ling yaoi:** Yours. My dad’s around and I feel like he’d just ruin my mood

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ok

**ninja clan here we stand:** ill see you soon

 

**ling yaoi:** Yeah ♡

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ...♡

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Reginald Icelandicpony Hate Group** ( #shenanigan. just one. )

  
  
  


**all i do is win:** So we’re doing horse names now huh

**all i do is win:** Oh how the mighty have fallen

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Says the girl who has a box of old horse posters from 5th grade shoved under her bed because she was too embarrassed to keep them up but too sentimental to throw them out

 

**all i do is win:** YOU’RE JUST GONNA COME FOR MY WIG LIKE THIS HUH

**all i do is win:** JUST GONNA EXPOSE ME IN FRONT OF EVERYONE

 

**ling yaoi:** Oh Winry

**ling yaoi:** _Oh Winry honey_

 

**all i do is win:** SHUT UUUUP

 

**you know, nya:** YOU WERE A WEIRD HORSE GIRL GKDKGKSNGNDJF

 

**all i do is win:** PANINYA DO YOU REALLY WANNA GO THERE

**all i do is win:** YOU WANT ME TO PUT YOU ON BLAST??? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??

**all i do is win:** BECAUSE I WILL PUT YOU ON BLAST PANINYA SO HELP ME GOD

 

**you know, nya:** looks like somepony woke up on the wrong side of the stable, am i right guys?

 

**all i do is win:** I will destroy you

**all i do is win:** Hey  @everyone wanna see Paninya’s nsfw Undertale fic from 2015 starring herself and Undyne?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** DO I EVER!

 

**you know, nya:** I YIELD

**you know, nya:** I’M SORRY WINRY

**you know, nya:** LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT CRINGEY INTERESTS CAST THE FIRST STONE

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’ll cast stones at all you bitches

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You really wanna risk shattering the glass house you’ve built for yourself?

 

**ling yaoi:** Oho. Next level proverb use

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I don’t have any cringey interests

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Everything I like is infallible and so am I

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Hey Ed remember when you got super into Minecraft for like three years?

**Neko Al-tsume:** Do you remember that? Do you remember playing Minecraft for hours at a time every day for almost all of middle school and your freshman year?

**Neko Al-tsume:** Hey Ed remember when you wanted to start your own Minecraft letsplay YouTube channel?

**Neko Al-tsume:** Remember that?

 

**princess_panda:** WOW

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK I WAS 13

 

**ling yaoi:** This is the best day of my life

**ling yaoi:** You’re all gigantic dorks!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH YOU FUCKING HOMESTUCK

 

**princess_panda:** YEAH LING I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER HELPING YOU APPLY GRAY BODY PAINT BEFORE CONS SO LIKE DON’T EVEN

 

**ling yaoi:** ...At least I’m not a superwholock

 

**princess_panda:** _ THAT’S LOW _

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** oh yeah i remember that phase

**ninja clan here we stand:** that was funny

 

**princess_panda:** Shut UP Lan Fan you have a NARUTO USERNAME

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** what the hell naruto is cool

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Wow, I learned a lot today

**Neko Al-tsume:** Thanks for enlightening me about how embarrassing you all are

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Okay, you know what? 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I was gonna be a responsible brother and keep this to myself, but you’ve left me no choice

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Al has a fursona. Read it and fucking weep.

 

**all i do is win:** JTNDNNFNDNGND

 

**you know, nya:** FJKDUILUEJSWKS

 

**ling yaoi:** WHAT ANIMAL

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** …

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Take a wild fucking guess

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** IT’S NOT A FURSONA, it’s a Warrior Cats OC, you KNOW that!

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s a fucking fursona Al wake up and smell the fursuits

 

**you know, nya:** us exposing each other’s embarrassing fandom phases  https://media.giphy.com/media/UAHZijO91QCl2/giphy.gif

 

**all i do is win:** NJBKVSBDZN

 

**you know, nya:** i feel closer to all of you now

**you know, nya:** we are united by our mutual embarrassingness

**you know, nya:** i love you fucking dumbasses

 

**ling yaoi:** Every day we stray further from God’s forgiving light

**ling yaoi:** None of us are free of sin

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Well at least we don’t like Family Guy

 

**all i do is win:** At least we don’t like Family Guy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many revelations this chapter. i remember someone in the comments on the last chapter guessed the whole "riza being pregnant and craving kfc" thing, so good on you!! you win a crisp mental high five. 
> 
> in addition someone Else in the comments suggested i branch out into types of horses for the groupchat name, so thank you as well!! good suggestion
> 
> also fuck family guy for real


	9. stay the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **bite my shiny metal arm:** I still don’t buy it. Maybe Hawkeye and Mustang are friends but that’s it
> 
> **you know, nya:** mustang and hawkeye could be fucking on your desk and you’d still be like “idk guys i don’t see it”
> 
> **bite my shiny metal arm:** THANK YOU FOR THAT IMAGE PANINYA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from "stay the night" by jukebox the ghost

**Rango Shetlandpony Hate Group** ( #shenanigan. just one. )

  
  


**you know, nya:** gotta be honest guys

**you know, nya:** the horse names? not really doing it for me

**you know, nya:** they don’t make me laugh, they just make me uncomfortable

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What’s wrong with horses?

 

**you know, nya:** yeah, and what’s wrong with dysentery 

**you know, nya:** jesus ed what's Right with horses

 

**ling yaoi:** Horse legs are fingers

 

**all i do is win:** Hey Ling! How are you? I just wanted to ask, what the fuck are you talking about? Have a terrible day! Love, Winry

 

**ling yaoi:** In retrospect I may not have offered enough context

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Or, like, any.

 

**ling yaoi:** What I meant was I heard somewhere that horse legs are like fingers

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Again that gives us like no information

 

**princess_panda:** He’s right I heard that too!!

 

**all i do is win:** Heard What

 

**princess_panda:** That horse legs are like fingers

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I'M GONNA SHIT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

 

**all i do is win:** HELLO??? HELLO????????

 

**you know, nya:** well whatever it means it supports my thesis that horses are straight up Fucked

**you know, nya:** in this essay i will-

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** You’ll what

 

**you know, nya:** idk it was just a goof

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Weak

 

**you know, nya:** fuck me for not writing dissertations about horses via discord server in my free time i guess

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Step it up

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Direct Message** ( @bite my shiny metal arm )

  
  


**Neko Al-tsume:** That’s check, brother

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Dammit!!!

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’m off my chess game

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Maybe you shouldn’t be playing during class 

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Aren’t you in class rn too?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Study hall

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Bastard

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Aw yeah, your knight is mine

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Btw, are you gonna ask Winry out?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Wh

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I hit send too early. What I meant was:

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What the Fuck, Al

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Well Are you?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** That’s not really the kind of thing you lead with “btw” you know

**bite my shiny metal arm:** It’s like saying “By the way, did you hear you’re wanted for first degree murder?” or “Oh yeah, your test results are in. You have mesothelioma.”

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** So asking out Winry is the same as being charged with murder or contracting a type of cancer from prolonged asbestos exposure in your mind?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I’m just saying give me some goddamn notice before dropping a bomb like that

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Also, check.

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Dammit

**Neko Al-tsume:** And come on, we both know you’ve been thinking about it

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh shut up, we don’t know shit

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Speak for yourself

**Neko Al-tsume:** Why won’t you do it?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Look, things are good right now just the way they are, alright?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** No need to rock the boat.

**bite my shiny metal arm:** If it’s not broken, don’t fix it

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** What if it’s pining insufferably?

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** _Pining_

**bite my shiny metal arm:** What am I, a fucking Jane Austen character?

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Should I gaze wistfully out of my windowed suite, pondering the Victorian-era social norms keeping us apart?

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** Maybe you should! Might help you get in touch with your feelings for once

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Why the fuck would I wanna do that

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** You know what? Forget it

**Neko Al-tsume:** That’s checkmate, you owe me a snickers

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** UGH

  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


**Rango Shetlandpony Hate Group** ( #OPERATION ROYAI )

  
  


**bite my shiny metal arm:** What the hell is royai

 

**all i do is win:** Mustang and Hawkeye ship name

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Shouldn’t it be royeye??

 

**all i do is win:** Reminds me too much of Popeye’s and given Mustang’s affinity for KFC it just feels wrong 

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Fair enough

 

**all i do is win:** Anyway, I created this channel because I think we should have a place to document all of our findings vis a vis Mustang and Hawkeye’s affair

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** i have something

 

**princess_panda:** YOU DO??? +_+

 

**you know, nya:** N-NYA

 

**ling yaoi:** Color me intrigued

 

**Neko Al-tsume:** What’d you find?

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** ok so

**ninja clan here we stand:** during class earlier hawkeye pulled out a thermos and put it on her desk

**ninja clan here we stand:** that thermos was labeled with a single letter

**ninja clan here we stand:** r

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Yeah, that makes sense. Her first name’s Riza

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** hawkeye has been my teacher for a long time

**ninja clan here we stand:** not only was this a different thermos than the one she usually uses, but she also labels all of her other stuff with ‘hawkeye’

**ninja clan here we stand:** but you know who labels their shit with the letter r?

 

**princess_panda:** Oh. My. God.

 

**all i do is win:** ROY

 

**ling yaoi:** The plot thickens!

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** i have two hypotheses

**ninja clan here we stand:** number one, hawkeye and mustang are living together 

**ninja clan here we stand:** number two (which is more likely), they are spending a lot of time at each others places to the point where they mix up each others things

**ninja clan here we stand:** either way its clear that their relationship is more than just a fling

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Cool it, Sherlock, it’s a fucking thermos

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** its a smoking gun

 

**ling yaoi:** It’s a bird!

 

**all i do is win:** It’s a plane!

 

**you know, nya:** it’s JOHN CENA

 

**princess_panda:** I’m with Lan Fan, this definitely means something

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Oh bull to the shit

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Maybe she just forgot her own thermos and is borrowing one??

 

**ninja clan here we stand:** 1) who the hell carries around extra thermoses 2) when have you known hawkeye to forget anything ever

 

**all i do is win:** Yeah for real, she still mentions that paper I wrote in one of her classes like 2 years ago

**all i do is win:** She tells me how good it was and smiles and I combust

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Winry should we be concerned about your Hawkeye-thirst

 

**all i do is win:** It’s not even really thirst, she’s just like

**all i do is win:** So cool. I look up to her

**all i do is win:** Kinda like how you are with Mustang

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** The fuck are you talking about

 

**all i do is win:** Oh are we still pretending that’s not a thing? My bad

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** Ok well you’re definitely getting an ass-kicking later but for now

**bite my shiny metal arm:** I still don’t buy it. Maybe Hawkeye and Mustang are friends but that’s it

 

**you know, nya:** mustang and hawkeye could be fucking on your desk and you’d still be like “idk guys i don’t see it”

 

**bite my shiny metal arm:** THANK YOU FOR THAT IMAGE PANINYA

**bite my shiny metal arm:** NOW IF YOU’LL EXCUSE ME I’M GOING TO GO INDUCE AMNESIA BY BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL

**bite my shiny metal arm:** HAVE A TERRIBLE DAY

 

**ling yaoi:** Well somebody’s in denial

  
  
  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  


**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Do you still have my thermos?

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

I do. I forgot to give it back to you today, I’m all over the place lately.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Sorry.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

It’s fine

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

You sure?

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Yes

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

No one could tell it’s yours, Roy.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Both of our names start with ‘R’ and it’s a pretty generic thermos.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

I didn’t say anything.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

No, but I could tell that’s what you were thinking about

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

How do you always do that?

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

It’s uncanny.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

I like to think I know you pretty well, Colonel.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Oh, god. Not you too.

 

**From: RIza Hawkeye**

 

Apologies, sir, won’t happen again.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Stop that.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Is that an order?

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

I’m not doing this right now.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize we were still on the clock and pretending we don’t even know each other.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

So sassy. What has gotten into you?

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

You, then a baby.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Ha-ha.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Hey, if I’m a colonel, will you be my lieutenant?

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Of course, sir. I’ll follow you into hell if I have to.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Well this conversation took a grim turn.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Is that so? In that case why don’t I start giving some orders.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Come to my apartment.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Pick up some Chinese food on the way.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Wear that shirt I like.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

You’re clingy lately, it’s cute.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

And sure thing.

 

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

That’s ‘Yes, ma’am’ please and thank you.

 

**To: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Yes, ma’am

.

**From: Riza Hawkeye**

 

Hurry.

 

**To: RIza Hawkeye**

 

On my way.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyy sorry this update took a while, im in amsterdam rn and i'll be travelling around europe until august basically so idk when the next update is coming, but thanks for being patient
> 
> also the horse thing at the beginning comes from the fact that i swear i heard something about horse legs being like fingers but thats literally it and im afraid to google it so do with that what you will

**Author's Note:**

> i am absolutely 100% making all of this up as i go. i kind of just started writing it to relieve stress and so far its working pretty well! hope you enjoy
> 
>  [main blog](http://eijier.tumblr.com//)  
> [art blog](http://luftballons99.tumblr.com/)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/waldmotel)


End file.
